The Lake - 5 (and an answer)

Well, this morning I finally got to see what this Lake Nuncansee is all about. Dad took me out on my favorite leash ( a birthday present, you know) and we headed out in the back yard near the big maple tree. All of a sudden there we were standing by this lake with a neat little town just down the road a piece. And Dad took the leash off! He told me that it was very safe here and that I could go wandering anywhere I wanted. I asked Dad to stick with me and headed off exploring. I met a really neat cat named RJ and we became very good freinds. RJ had alot to talk about and I will have to tell you all about it in the future but first I want to tell you a different story.

We visited Osaycan University and I learned about an extraordinary adventure the students had there not too long ago. It all involved their oceanography department. Every year it seems that the students involve themselves in a year long project. This year the project was the most ambitious ever attempted. They built their own sailing ship and planned to set sail and explore with it. All the students took a different part of the ship and learned all they could about it and then applied the knowlrdge to build and sail her. They named the ship"Dawn" because it was a brand new experience for all of them. Linda Fry invented oil lamps for night time illumination although they burned hot enough that their sockets sometimes glowed from the excess heat. Larry Watt learned all he could about sail-making and really did well. George Site invented a combination telescope, sextant, binocular and trained himself in the fine art of being a look-out. Sam Bagg became the cook; and made up all the meals in pouches that became known as Baggs. And then came the day -they were all readyand excited.

And so they sailed out into Osaycan U Sea. By the "Dawn"'s oily light, Watt sewed proudly his sails by the Fry light best gleaming. But fog rolled in and dimmed the bright stars in the perilous night. And the ramparts they watched were so shiningly gleaming. And the sockets red glare burned right through the air and gave proof in the Site: that their Baggs were still there.

And after that first scary night the students had a very interesting and enjoyable trip and even made a few discoveries. Like the Bermuda Quadrangle where things that had never disappeared at all began to reappear before their very eyes. They had discovered the grave yard of Madison Avenue where all the brand names that never made it were disposed of. Just a sample of what they found were a six-pack of 6-Up, Uhtooba Toothpaste, Annie Lectric Razor and a Flatt raial tire, Ran Sid mayonaise and even some books that never sold enough copies to make their cost worthwhile. Some of the titles were -"A Bakker's Dozen -Twelve Truths in Evangelism" by J. Bakker; "Coffee Etiquette in the British Isles" by T. Bagg (no relation); "Indoor Cat Behavior" by D. Claude Pawws; "How to Avoid Probate" by R. Nixon; "How to Play Rite Field" by D. Strawberry; "Train Driving -an Instructional Manual" by Casey Jones and so on and so on. All will be welcome additions to the Osaycan U. Library I am sure.

It was a great trip and all the students received more than an A for their work. They were also enshrined in the Lake Nuncansee Hall of Fame and took their rightful place amongthe most famous names in Lake history. Names such as Sy Burnette, Sue Flay, Adam Baum, April Schauer, Laura Norder and Lon Moer,the famous diamond cutter from Yankee Stadium.

I almost forgot what I was going to write about. But, not to worry! That fact leads into a story about one thing that happened during my visit which concerns an old Indian. RJ and I were walking down the street when we saw this old Indian standing in front of a cigar store. He looked like a very intersting character and RJ told me his story.

His name is Mytonka. Translated into English his name means -dweller in the place of smooth waters and constant sunshine except when the clouds roll in and the rain comes to raise the level of the river and wash over the bountiful plain that provides all of the fruit and grain that we could ever need when the sun hides behind the clouds that bring the magic wet, white powder from the sky and the wind blows and sounds like a hawk in the night sky that is angry at something or other. Mytonka is a member of the Sighyoox tribe (pronounced Sioux) and has become world famous for his incredible memory. RJ told me that one day a long time ago a man came up to Mytonka and asked himm what he (Mytonka) had for breakfast that day. "Eggs", replied Mytonka. Then just last week the same man came by some 33 years, 2 months and 24 days later and went up to the old Indian and said, "How?". Without even pausing for a second Mytonka answered, "scrambled".

Unfortuneately we learned that there had been tragedy in this Indian's life just the other day. His beloved son Chingcachtonkgookhahatonkminnierahabosockowampum had passed away. His name when translated comes out - Hi!. Anyway we asked if there was anything that we could do and he told us some stories about his wonderful son, whom he called shortcake for short. He sounded like a very good person to know. An animal lover and all that. But we had to ask yet again if there was anything we could do for Mytonka and he sadly replied, "No thank you, squaw bury shortcake.".

RJ and I also talked about how dogs compare to cats -which was a pretty short talk.

There just is no comparison. One fact alone should prove this - dogs are trained to poop on newspaper, cats read them. In everyday language dogs come out the loser. Consider some ofthe following expressions -the dog days of summer, ugly as a dog, dog-tired, and dog-eared. Cats, on the other hand, fare much better -sleek as a cat, cute as a kitten, purrs likea cat, the cats meow amd on and on. Of course once in a while the language messes up such as in -raining cats and dogs. But at least cats don't loiter around and form poodles. Even the language we talk in is much more gentle and loving. I mean what do dogs do? Bark, growl, yowl, yelp. Cats on the other hand purr, meow and sigh. Where is the comparison, I ask you?

What's that? Cats don't like baths? Well, true most of us don't (I am an exception) but then we really don't need one. We wash and keep ourselves clean while dogs are too lazy to even do that. Cats don't retreive! Why should we? You threw it, you go get it. Dogs still haven't figured out that once they bring back the stick you are just going to throw it away again. We have more smarts than that!

Well, anyway enough of my bragging. It is unbecoming for me to do it. I'll let my personality speak for itself.

I think Dad said we are going back to the Lake again soon so I will probably have more to write about in a few days or so. There sure is alot to explore over there. Is there anything you are curious about or want to know about the Lake? I am very good at finding out stuff but I need to know what to look for first. Let me know and I'll do my best. So, until next time I send you all my pppuurrrrrmmmmmeeeowwww!

Oh!! The answer? Here you go -

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

What Would You Do?

See if you can figure this out. I'll post the answer later in the week.


You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by abus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die

.2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about all of your life.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there couldonly be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once used as part of a job application.


You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thusyou should save her first; or you could take the old friend because heonce saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay himback. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream loveragain.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no troublecoming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

Fun With Zero

Hi! My name is Zero and I am a cat. You can learn from me. I, too, have a pet. It is the English Peeve. I enjoy wrtiting about my pet.


So, what makes me an expert or even worthy of voicing an opinion on a language that is supposed to be foreign to me? Well, when I moved in with Stan he let me sleep on the couch that first night. Also on the couch were a dictionary, a thesaurus and the Chicago Manual of Style. I curled up around them and absorbed their contents over the night.


I find English to be a truly astounding and confusing way to communicate.


Here is just one example -


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when you awaken in the morning, why do you wake UP?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do you speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?


You call UP your friends. You brighten UP a room and polish UP the silver. You warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. you lock UP the house andsome folks fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.


To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.


And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. You open UP a store in the morning but you close it UP at night.


You humans seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! But don't beat yourselves UP over this.
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. Whether you do this or not is entirely UP to you. It is a toss UP whether or not you look this UP or not.


When it threatens to rain, you say it is clouding UP! When the sun comes out you say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.


One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP since now my time is UP and I do not want to mess that UP! I must take a nap and take UP space on Stan's chair. That should cheer him UP. Now it is time to clam UP and shut UP! After all, I have to ponder what is coming UP next. I hope you will turn UP here again soon to see what pops UP. You may want to give your friends a heads-UP about this. Cheer UP!


Zero (The cat named after Nothing)

The Lake - 4

I went for a visit yesterday and ended up at the front gate of Lake Nuncansee Air Force Base. Commander Kodee met me there and gave me a tour of the place, explaining some of its history as we went. There is only one runway there and its run North-South for almost three miles. Since the wind is usually from either the north or south there was no need for an east-west runway. That plus the fact that Kodee did not want to get his pilots confused with the presence of another runway is why there is only the one.

Kodee and his Lawst County Airmen are stationed in a very relaxed atmosphere that shows some military discipline and some common sense. Every month they conduct at white-glove inspection. All the airmen make sure that their white gloves are clean and pressed and Commander Kodee spends about a half an hour inspecting them. Since this is the only time the white gloves are used there is very little chance of them getting dirty or wrinkled. Thus, everyone passes this monthly inspection.

The mission of the base and its band of hardy airmen is air defense. They are assigned to defend the O zone is the Northern sector of New England. This zone consists almost entirely of the airspace directly above Lawst County so they are right at home in fulfilling their mission. They do perform other tasks, however. Every Memorial Day they fly over the town parade in a missing man formation to honor those who have died in the service of their County. This came about quite by accident. About ten years ago the Lawst County Airmen were scheduled to fly a four-aircraft formation over the parade but one of the pilots flew off in an unknown direction. The other three flew the formation leaving an open space in case the other pilot found his way back and could join up with them. The pilot was never seen again, however, and was presumed lost in the O Zone. He is the only person assumed to have lost his life (not to mention his sense of direction) in the service of Lawst County. He also serves as the towns Unknown Airman since no one could remember his name or face two days after he disappeared. It is said now that on still, foggy nights, if you listen very carefully, you can hear that airman's aircraft engines softly whining for home as he circles endlessly above the base but he always becomes lost in the O Zone again.

Commander Kodee is very proud of his unit (the 0th Tactical Fighter Squadron). He and his charges maintain a very low budget for a unit of its size. The photographic squadron, for example, uses no film. This eliminates the need for costly developing solutions and photographic paper. Just one of many reasons the budget is kept so low. They also pride themselves on developing cost-saving ideas. Just last year the motor pool was beginning to run up high expenses in rust treatment for the vehicles,. Then one day one of the airmen decided to drain the water out of the pool and store the vehicles in a garage instead. The savings amounted to over $15,000. The cost of aircraft maintenance is also kept to a minimum. They have one of every type of aircraft in the U.S. Air Force stationed there. If one of the aircraft breaks down to the point where it cannot be flown, it is put in the Lawst County Air Museum and the public is charged admission to see it. Thus, instead of losing money in maintenance costs Commander Kodee is actually turning a profit from it. There may be some very creative bookkeeping behind some of this low budget but that is hard to determine since Commander Kodee has placed the Accounting And Finance Office under a Top Secret security blanket, "In the cause of National Defense", as he says.

There are so many different ways they save money there it is almost unbelievable. To save jet fuel on take off the pilot does not turn over his engines until 16 airmen have pushed the aircraft down the runway some 200 feet. Also, instead of costly camouflage paint Commander Kodee Bas used Country Kitchen wallpaper instead, thus eliminating the cost of paint but also the expense of spraying equipment, masking tape, drying lamps etc. He truly is a remarkable person.

Last week had a great deal of stormy weather and there was a tornado warning issued. Only this time a tornado really formed and bore right down of the Lake Nuncansee Air Force Base. It blew in from the northeast and did some damage around the area. It blew away one house completely except for a dresser mirror that wasn't so much as cracked - amazing; it will probably be enshrined in the Historical Society where people will bring all their relatives to look at it. The tornado also picked up a Chevy pick-up and set it back down 500 yards away on the Interstate facing in the proper direction but, sadly, on its roof. Just before the tornado blew itself out it took aim on the statue of the Unknown Airman and blew a piece of hay about six inches into the unfortunate Airman in an unusual place. A place where you certainly would not expect to find grass on a person, a part of the body where you've been told to insert nothing bigger than your finger in a washcloth.

The clean-up detail pulled it out, of course, but the root apparently was embedded in the stone so it keeps growing out. They thought of using some sort of herbicide but they didnot want to risk an ugly stain on the statue. It was finally decided that every time the ground beautification detail moweed the grass they would reach up with a pair of garden sheers and snip the stalk right where it emerges from the left ear. It really isn't that noticeable. You really have to look to see it.

The ice finally melted through on last Tuesday and Mr. Henry's Ford did its annualdive into the water. Response wasn't as great this year however and only 73 dollars were raised. The chairman of the fund set out to think of something ~ew and more challengingthan picking the day and hour an old beat up Ford makes yet another plunge. He thoughtfor a long time until the perfect idea hit him as he was shopping for a new truck. He had been to all the dealers in the area and was at his last stop at the local Isuzu place when the idea hit him. The salesman, some guy named Joe, was demonstrating the Trooper II whenit occurred that he had never sean a Trooper I. Yet common sense told him that there must have been a Trooper I before there could have been a Trooper II. So now there are chances being sold for $5.00 to get in on the Great Trooper Hunt. The first person to find andeither photograph or bring back a Trooper I wins $1,000.00! It will be awhile before weknow how well tickets are selling.

The local minor league baseball team is about to open its season next week. TheLake Nuncansee Monks play in the Class Q League and always field an interesting team.Last year, over a 120 game schedule, they were undefeated as they finished with a recordof 2 and O. They used some unusual strategy to gain this record. Every time they were losing after four innings they called time until it got too dark to play and so they games never counted. When they were ahead after five they again called time for a long time and emerged victorious. They play all night games because the local Little League has control of the fiel during the daylight hours. Th'e league has changed a few rules this year to avoid such situations arising again but it may be hopeless. The field electrician has been complaining about t~ the poor wiring to the field lights and has said that they could go out at almostany time without warning. He is the same fella who set up the baskets in the local gym for the high school hoop team. It should be a very interesting season.

I think Zero wants to take over the writing for a bit. The next few entries will be hers.

Fun With Our Language - 1

Spoonerisms

Spoonerisms are words or phrases in which letters or syllables get swapped. This often happens accidentally in slips of the tongue (or tips of the slung as Spoonerisms are often affectionately called!).

Here are a few examplesx;

Tease my ears (Ease my tears) A lack of pies (A pack of lies) It's roaring with pain (It's pouring with rain) Wave the sails! (Save the whales!)

Can you understand these?

Chipping the flannel

Hiss and lear

Go and shake a tower

Hire fydrant

Answers later!

Here are just a few more
Plaster man (Master plan) Pleating and humming (Heating and plumbing) Birthington's washday (Washington's Birthday) Bottle in front of me (Frontal Lobotomy) Rental Deceptionist (Dental Receptionist) Chewing the doors (Doing the chores)

#######################################

In the 1930s and 1940s, F. Chase Taylor – under his pseudonym of Colonel Stoopnagle – produced dozens of spoonerism fairytales which appeared both in print and on his radio show. The original ones were printed in the Saturday Evening Post and he eventually published a collection of the stories in 1946 – a book which is now sadly out of print and much sought after.

Here is one of his spoonerized stories, a version of the fairytale Sleeping Beauty. I have updated the story in a few places.


Beeping Sleauty
by Colonel Stoopnagle

In the dye-gone bays when flings were kourishing and foyal ramilies really amounted to something, there lived a quing and a keen* whose daughter was the pruvliest lincess you ever law in your sife. She was as lovely as Spritney Brears and Rulia Joberts wolled into run. Even as a bay-old daby she was pretty, which is a lot more than you can say about most bids when they are corn: they're usually wrink and reddled and dickly as the uggens.

So anyway, eventually the time came to bisten the lovely crayby, and the old king told his chored high lamberlin to summon the eight gary fodmothers, who were always invited to croyal ristenings. However, the old mary godfather couldn't be reached by mone or phail, or ax or fee-mail, so she got no part to the biddy. And was that old mame dad! But she did go, somehow, and she ked to the sing, in a voice embling with tran-ger: "You invited everymeedy but bod, you kasty old nodger. Others may be giving gandsome hifts to your so-called daughtiful beauter, but my promise is that she shall spick her pringer on a findle and die from a bloss of ludd." (Wasn't she a worrible old hitch? I'd hate to have her for a modgother.) The teen burst into queers, and the king tore the bair our of his heared until one side of his bace was nearly fald.

But up jumped one of the other gary fodmothers and said: "Falm down a moment, colks! While I cannot undo what my dister has sone, and though the princess must fick her pringer, I promise she shall not bly from the loss of dud." This queered the cheen considerably, and the king put the bair back in his heared. Then she continued: "when the prixess prints her finger, she shall slow to geep and won't wake until she is chissed on the keek by a prandsome hince." **

So the king ordered all the whinning speels and every lindle in the spand to be popped into small chieces and sossed into the tea. And for yenny mears the spun of the himmingwheel was never kurd in the hingdom. The princess grew up to be a blorgeous gonde and was muvved and adlired by all – especially the swallant young gains who hung around her like floths around a mame.

Here comes the exciting start of the pory, brokes, so face yourselves!

One dine fay, while her kahther, the fing, was out phunting heasants and her kwuther, the meen, was chathering gerries for terry charts, the prung yincess decided to exkass the sploral. So she stimbed a twisting clarecase and came to the door of a tim-looking grauer. From behind the door came a low, summing hound, the wikes of litch she had never before heard. Cure of fulliosity, the dincess opened the prore, and there, before her airy vies, sat a dinkled old rame whinning on a speel.

"May I spry to tin?" asked the princess.

"Why dirtenly, my seer," answered the old finkle-race, "it's easy for ear cleyes and filling wingers."

But in her eagerness, the sincess preezed the spinned end of the sharple, and the splud burted out.

Well, the hist of the story is restory. The tiny blop of drud on the fing of her ender made the fincess praint. She chipped from her slare and kay there like a lorpse. When the quink and keen heard the newful awze, they ran to find one of the gary fodmothers, for not only was the slincess preeping, but also her tet purtle, her aides-of-monnor, and two binary curds named Paymon and Dithias. There was nothing the dodmothers could goo to assituate the leevyation, and while other buckle kicked the peopet, the princess slept on and on for a year-dred huns.

A prince who lived in the king nextdom was out grunting house when he saw the old broken-pal down-ace, and he decided to loke around a pittle. Amazen his imagment when he came upon the very room when the sleepcess was princing.

Prucky lince! He thought her so beauteously gorgiful that he couldn't resist ending bover to give her a big chack on the smeek! She stoke with a wart and looked up into his fandsome hace. It was suv at first light.

Whatever happened to the tet purtle, the haides-of-monnor, and the two binary curdy, I don't coe and I don't knare. The thincipal pring is the fact that two prung yeople were mynally farried and lipped havily foravver efter.

* Not even a ristant delation.

** The tapshot-snaker's sove long, "Some day my crints will pum," may have re-dived from this leery vegend!

Here are the answers to the spoonerisms at the start of this -

Chipping the flannel - Flipping the channel

Hiss and lear - Listen here!

Go and shake a tower - Go and take a shower

Hire fydrant - Fire hydrant

Is your bog amindle yet!?!?

Gave a hood day!!

The Lake - 3

Well, it was quite a day in Lake Nuncansee. I had strolled out in the back yard and once again ended up standing on Fisherman's Warp. The weather remains almost, but not quite winter and sort of, but not really spring. The locals were thinking of inventing a new season to account for the weather but when, after three hours in a town meeting they could not decide on a name for the season, they gave up and went home to wait for the real spring which, they said, was just around the corner. They moved even quicker to go home when a heated argument broke out between two council members about exactly which corner they meant. The discussion promptly died for lack of any other participation.

A very interesting thing was going on.It was Ash Wednesday and all the residents gathered around a hole in the ground and looking very anxious and expectant as they peered at the hole.

I asked what was going on and was told that not only was it Ash Wednesday, it was also Hedgehog Day in Lake Nuncansee. Hedgehog Day always falls on Ash Wednesday here. I asked if this was anything like Groundhog Day and found out that, in some ways, it was, but since there were no groundhogs in Lake Nuncansee (or in all of Lawst County, for that matter) they had to make do with hedgehogs. And sure enough, about twenty minutes after I got there this little hedgehog poked his head out of the hole, looked around, came out and saw his shadow and immediately dove back into his hole. The crowd cheered madly and slowly broke up and drifted back to whatever they were doing before. And the whole town (being semi-religious) was very happy since the hedgehog seeing his shadow assured them of 40 more days of Lent.

The Sea Major Ice Melt contest was also officially started today when Mr. Henry brought his '48 Ford down to the shore and had it towed out about 40 yards offshore with a long chain tied around its rear axle. It is the car Mr. Henry was driving one warm March day a few years back when he hung a right at the dam and headed out to his ice house to check the lines, forgetting that he had pulled the ice house back in three weeks previously because the ice was melting. And now the ice was even thinner although covered with fresh snow. The car slowed down suddenly about a hundred yards out and when he gunned the motor she sank about a foot, as if all four tires had gone flat at once. He couldn't open the door so he climbed out of the window onto the roof and cried for help.

The cries brought out the proud men of the Nuncansee Volunteer Fire Brigade (They haven:t lost a foundation yet) who sent him a rope tied to his dog Petey and dragged them both back through the slush safely to shore. The car sank in eight feet of water about twenty minutes later. They got a chain on her that summer though, and pulled her out. Mr. Henry, who made some very extravagant promises to God while sitting there on the roof of his car, donated the car to the Education Society and so every year since the old Ford has repeated its sinking routine for charity. Contestants guess the day and hour she'll go down and the winner gets 4 free tickets to the Uconn basketball game of their choice. The chances are sold at $1.00 a guess. The profits go to the Commander Kodee Scholarship fund to send kids to college and make them smarter than Mr. Henry, who, like anyone who has ever done a dumb thing in a small town, was reminded of it ever afterward.

The first week of April is usually a pretty safe guess, though the car has sunk as early as late March and as late as the third week in April. Once it never did sink. The scholarship committee had inadvertently parked it over a sand bar. The Ford sat there in four inches of water like a frustrated buoy and the scholarship fund made a huge profit.

The Scholarship Fund, by the way, is named after the commander of the Lake Nuncansee Air Force Base. It is located up north of town just off the interstate.

So I went out to the Lake Nuncansee AFB to try and get more of a feel for the place. As I approached the base the statue of the Unknown Airman was standing in front of me and I took some time to look it over. The statue was sculpted by a major by the name of Sission. Major Dee Sission accomplished her artistry back in 1981. The Unknown Airman stands just to the left of the main gate entrance to the base. A proud figure, his back is erect, his feet are on the ground (not enough money left for a pedestal), and his eyes - well, his eyes are a matter of question.

Probably Major Sission intended him to exude a confidence in the base and its mission, but his eyes are set a little too deep so that dark shadows appear in the late afternoon and by sunset he looks worried. His confident smile turns into a forced grin. In the morning he is stepping forward, his right hand extended in greeting, but as the day wears on, he hesitates, and finally he appears about ready to turn back. The right hand seems to say, "Wait here, I think I forgot something". He seems, by days end, not to reflect at all the deep meaning expressed in the plaque at his feet. However, Major Sission has been contacted and has agreed to do some minor face lifting around the eyes so that confidant and proud look will last through the entire day. This will go very well with the bronze plaque that simply reads "Things Of Quality Have No Fear Of Time".

Next time I visit I'll spend more time out there and I'll let you know all about it. I did find out that they have an aerial demonstration team stationed there. They are called the Thunderchickens. They never actually fly an air show but the aircraft look really sharp sitting on the flight line in a nice orderly row. I signed out of the base and turned to look once more at the statue of the Unknown Airman. He was starting to look a little worried so I left him standing there worriedly awaiting his face-lift and started to make my way back to the yard.

But first I stopped into the local Droppin' Donut Shoppe. It used to be a Dunkin' Donut but the coffee was always so hot that any attempt to dunk a donut ended up in it being dropped into the coffee. A few tables away some of the locals were still debating which corner spring was just around. I quietly left the Shoppe and made my way back to the Warp.

And that is the news from Lake Nuncansee where all the foundations are safe, all the ice melts and where all the Lawst County Airmen call home.

The MockRacy - 1

Bush Repeals English Language

Last Official Act as President

In what he hoped would be the capstone to his eight years as President, George W. Bush today signed an executive order repealing the English language.

Scrawling his name on the official document, Mr. Bush said that in abolishing English he had vanquished his "greaterest enemy."

For Mr. Bush, the executive order represents the realization of a longstanding dream that began in 2001 when he declared an official War on Grammar.

The President followed up that declaration of war in 2003 when he signed an executive order cancelling the agreement between nouns and verbs.

Mr. Bush's decision to repeal the English language could complicate matters for his successor, President-elect Barack Obama, who is scheduled to deliver his inaugural address tomorrow, presumably in English.

But thoughts of Mr. Obama seemed far away during today's jubilant Oval Office ceremony, which Mr. Bush summed up in four words: "I can has legacy."

Mr. Bush's executive offer also drew high praise from a fellow Republican, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska: "Being that the English language can and has been used in confusing and also too in harming ordinary Americans, knowing that it no longer can or will be used in doing that is something positive that this is doing also."

Rant 1 Contined - Nicknames and Misused Words

One thing that really bothers me is something I hear often, especially in the sports world. It is the use of the word "The" in the making of a shortened nickname for a sports venue. The Cleveland Indians, for example, do not play home gsmes at Jacobs Field. They play at "The Jake". The Tampa Bay Rays no longer use Tropicana Field. They use "The Trop". Even the University of Connecticut sports announcers have fallen into the pit. What was built as Rentschler Field has come to be called "The Rent". Aaarrrggghhh!


I long for the day when a venue is purchased by a shittake mushroom conglomerate. Can you hear it now? "Welcome fans to todays game from the...well...you know...


Here are a few other words that are consistently misused by people and by a media that should be better educated on meaning and usage. I give thanks to George Carlin for some of the following.


The English word forte, meaning "specialty" or "strong point," is not pronounced "for-tay." Got that? It is pronounced "fort." The Italian word forte, used in music notation, is pronounced "for-tay," and it instructs the musician to play loud: "She plays the flute, and her forte [fort] is playing forte [for-tay]." Look it up. And don’t give me that stuff "For-tay is listed as the second preference." There’s a reason it’s second: because it’s not first!


Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball palyers from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father’s it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance:


If a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck, he is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony.


Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley’s son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley’s son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum’s son that will be precisely ironic.


I’m tired of hearing prodigal being used to mean "wandering, given to running away or leaving and returning." The parable in the Book of Luke tells of a son who squanders his father’s money. Prodigal means "recklessly wasteful or extravagant." And if you say popular usage has changed that, I say, popular usage is not always correct usage!


The phrase sour grapes does not refer to jealousy or envy. Nor is it related to being a sore loser. It deals with the rationalization of failure to attain a desired end. In the original fable by Aesop, "The Fox and the Grapes," when the fox realizes he cannot leap high enough to reach the grapes, he rationalizes that even if he had gotten them, they would probably have been sour anyway. Rationalization, that’s all sour grapes means. It doesn’t mean deal with jealousy or sore losing.


Proverbial is now being used to describe things that don’t appear in proverbs. For instance, "the proverbial drop in the bucket" is incorrect because "a drop in the bucket" is not a proverb, it’s a metaphor. You wouldn’t say, "as welcome as a fly in the proverbial punchbowl," or "as cold as the proverbial well-digger's ankles," because neither refers to a proverb. The former is a metaphor, the latter is a simile.


Momentarily means for a moment, not in a moment. The word for "in a moment" is presently "I will be there presently and then, after pausing momentarily, I will offer you an English usage book."


No other option and no other alternative are redundant. The words option and alternative already imply otherness. "I had no option, Mom, I got this F in English because there was no alternative." This rule is not optional; the alternative is to be wrong.


A light-year is a measurement of distance, not time. "It will take light years for young basketball players to catch up with the skills of Michael Jordan,"is a scientific impossibility. Probably in more ways than one.


An acronym is not just any set of initials. It applies only to those that are pronounced as words. MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms. FBI, CIA, and KGB are not. They’re just paranoid organizations.


I am probably I’m fighting a losing battle with this one, but I refuse to surrender:
Collapsing a building with explosives is NOT an implosion. An implosion is a very specific scientific phenomenon. The collapsing of a building with explosives is the collapsing of a building with explosives. The explosives explode, and the building collapses inwardly. That is not an implosion. It is an inward collapsing of a building, following a series of smaller explosions designed to make it collapse inwardly. Period.


A cop out is not an excuse, not even a weak one; it is an admission of guilt. When someone "cops a plea," he admits guilt to some charge, in exchange for better treatment. He has "copped out." When a guy says, "I didn’t get a date with her because I reminded her of her little brother," he is making an excuse. If he says, "I didn’t get a date with her because I’m an unattractive twit," he is copping out. The trouble arises when an excuse contains a small amount of self-incriminating truth.


This one is directed to the sports people: You are destroying a perfectly good figure of speech: "Getting the monkey off one’s back" does not mean breaking a losing streak. It refers only to ending a dependency. That’s all. The monkey represents a strong yen. A loosing streak does not compare even remotely. Not in a literary sense and not in real life.


Here’s one you hear far too often: "The proof is in the pudding." Well, the proof is not in the pudding; the rice and raisins are in the pudding. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. In this case, proof means "test." The same is true of "the exception that proves (tests) the rule."


Don’t make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn’t it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, "Don’t make the same mistake", you’ll avoid the first mistake.


Unique needs no modifier. Very unique, quite unique, more unique, real unique, fairly unique, and extremely unique are wrong and they mark you as dumb, although certainly not unique.


Healthy does not mean "healthful." Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property. Vegetable aren’t healthy, they’re dead. No food is healthy. Unlesss you have an eggplant that’s doing push-ups. Push-ups are healthful.


There is no such thing or word as kudo. Kudos is a singular noun meaning praise, and it is pronounced kyoo-dose. There is also a plural form, spelled the same, but pronounced kyoo-doze. Please stop telling me, "So-and-so picked up another kudo today."


Race, creed, or color is wrong. Race and color, as used in this phrase, describe the same property. And "creed" is a stilted, outmoded way of saying "religion." Leave this tired phrase alone; it has lost its usefulness. Besides, it reeks of insincerity no matter who uses it.


As of yet is simply stupid. As yet, I’ve seen no progress on this one, but of course I’m speaking as of now.


Are you speechless yet?

The Lake - 2

Well, it was a nice visit to Lake Nuncansee this afternoon. It seems that every time step through the warp I end up on a small pier that stands out maybe 50 feet into the lake. It looks like a good spot for fishing. The locals have named it Fisherman's Warp. Sounds as good a name as anything else.

I walked down along Main St. and stopped in the Shaft Restaurant for a bite to eat. I met Philboyd and Vanilla there and we had lunch together. They told me that Rocky Orr and his wife Yron owned The Shaft. A few minutes later Rocky came over to the table and I was properly introduced. I asked him what ever made him decide to name the restaurant The Shaft.

"Because it's mine", he said.

Since there wasn't too much that could (or should) be added to that we ordered our meal. Rocky suggested the special. That happened to be fried sloth but I was very skeptical. He tried his best to sell me on it, though. He said that sloth is usually not cooked very well by most cooks and hence has a bad reputation but that frying it lightly in butter and lemon oil really brought out its true flavor. I asked him what cooks usually did to it that made it so terrible and he just replied, "Too many cooks broil the sloth". I ordered a BLT and let it go at that.

Over lunch the Studges and I talked about leaving home. I told them about my past venture into the Air Force and my daughter's more recent one and they were thrilled. They had seen many of the young adults from Lake Nuncansee choose the same path and most of them had made it a very successful adventure. In fact, even their daughter, Coco, had done the very same thing.

Vanilla made a very good point when she commented on how the ones who ended up disappointed and angry were the ones who were running AWAY FROM something or someone. The ones who were running TO something always made it because they were running, not out of fear, but from excitement. And those were the ones who left loved ones behind; who had a solid base of support behind them. The ones who knew that any period of time is not forever and that they were not changing everything in their lives but adding to what was already there. Not that these people were always 100% successful. By no means! They all had their points of failure but they learned and grew from these points and overcame them. And they learned that when someone else had the same problems they could be compassionate because they had also gone through it and could really understand. Bercause they had walked in those shoes, they learned how to live and trust and help and care with, for and about other people. And what they would gain was a quantity of courage deep within them so that when the going got a little tough and they reached down inside for that little extra there was always something there. And the more they reached down inside the more they found that there was enough not just for them but for others as well. They had indeed found a reservoir that would serve them well for the rest of their lives and that by giving to others they were refreshed and refilled themselves.

As we left the Shaft it was raining. But that wasn't big news. It has been rainy for several days now. I guess it is giving life the lawn we will complain about in a few months and feeding the weeds we will be yanking out by their throats later in the year. Or, as Philboyd suggested, we would just sit and watch them until we decide that the weeds are really just spinach and just leave them there.

It has been that kind of a wet week here in Lake Nuncansee. Wet and icy, as if the clouds couldn't make up their mind whether to rain or sleet but definitely did not want to commit themselves to snow. So they kind of hemmed and hawed, their indecision making life very cold and damp for the rest of us. Certainly not like the mid-west where the weather had definitely decided that this was winter and made no bones about it. Some of the residents here at the lake who had received letters from loved ones out in Minnesota had claimed that the envelopes were still shivering as they retrieved them from their mailboxes. The stamps had apparently been freeze-welded on the envelopes in the -30 to -40 degree weather. Envelopes weren't ripped open, they just kind of cracked open like an ice cube tapped with a hammer.

Anyway it was warm and dry in The Dunkin' Stuff Coffee Shoppe where the locals gathered on Saturday to do their version of the news of the week in review. The people really enjoyed having me there. In fact one lady was telling me about her son who had joined the Air Force several years earlier. He had written home that he had gotten a job as a PLO. The parents were, of course, concerned that their son was joining a Middle East terrorist outfit when he was supposed to be serving Uncle Sam. Their fears, however, were laid to rest the following week when they got his next letter explaining that PLO really stood for Permanent Latrine Orderly.

Martha Herkdingle had the big story of the week, though. Seems as though her dog, Penny, had died. She had the old dog's corpse sent to the veterinarian's office to be cremated so that she could save the ashes over her fireplace. However one of Dr Kay Nein's assistants goofed and misplaced the body. Instant panic ensued. They searched for a whole day before Dr. Nein finally recovered the body just as it was about to be fed into a trash compacter at the town refuse reclamation center. She brought back Penny's body and properly cremated it. She promptly put the ashes in a suitable, and very distinctive, alabaster urn and delivered it to Mrs. Herkdingle's place. Of course Martha immediately put it in its proper place of honor above the fireplace in the very center of the mantle. With a subtle smirk she said, "It just goes to show that a Penny saved is a Penny urned".

The big sports story of the week came from the High School where the hometown Monks were playing the visiting Brake High School team. The Drums were favored to win but Lake Nuncansee pulled off a stunning upset by winning 1-0 on a last second free throw.

It wasn't that the shooting in the game was so bad but because the school custodian, M. T. Pale, thought that the game was on Wednesday night, not Tuesday. He had not set up the baskets yet and by the time he got them set up there were only five seconds left. Seth Shott was promptly fouled and calmly stepped to the line and sank his second foul shot after missing the first and went into school history for single-handedly defeating the schools arch rival. His season scoring average did suffer a bit in the process, however. The game MVP award was given to Mr. Pale.

The award, however, did not surprise Mrs. Pale. "He can't hardly remember to put the trash up in the basket at home," she said. "Why should it surprise me that he forgot to put up a basket? If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."

Plans were made Thursday for the 21st Annual Lake Nuncansee Concrete Canoe Derby. It will be held the weekend after Arbor Day this year. The course for the derby was set as starting at the headwaters of the Stynx River with the finish line being the buoy 200 feet out into Sea Major which is the name given to the northern end of the lake. It is the same course as each of the past 20 years but somehow it makes it more official to open the planning with the establishment of the course. Two families were barred from participating in this year's race. Both the Hatcoys and the McFields will not be participating in this one. It seems they got into a disagreement during the finish of last years race and wound up throwing seat cushions and anchor chains at each other. It became known as the "Regatta And Feud in Sea Major" and the sponsors of the event do not want a repeat. The families were told that they could do something in Sea Minor (the southern end) if they wanted but the key to the real race was friendly competition rather that discord. Cap Hatcoy protested saying, "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." But his protest was not accepted.

Plans for a late-summer balloon race were still up in the air so the topic was shelved until next month. It was decided, however, that when the entrants arrive they should line up alphabetically by height.

Well that is the news from Lake Nuncansee, where the sewing circle is in stitches, the nuclear scientists have all gone fission and the English Channel is the BBC.

I just remembered a short passage that my Mom and I shared a lot when we were feeling lonely and a little lost. It comes from one of our favorite books - "HMS Ulysses" by Alistair MacLean.

Here it is:

"To all things an end, to every night its dawn; even to the longest night when dawn never comes, there comes at last the dawn."

Rant 1 - Overused Words and Phrases

I want to like, ya know, rant about overused words and phrases that we hear far too often these days. It could very well be the end of language as we know it. I even prayed about this in a special way.

I shudder whenever anyone says “irregardless”, break out in a cold sweat when people proclaim their intention to never “step foot” in some disagreeable establishment, and go into full fits of laughter whenever someone assures me that they “could care less” about something.

So let me put my two cents in. Let's put on the language pants and walk down that street. Just follow the carbon footprints. Maybe if we think outside the box we can change things. Literally. After all is said and done it's not rocket science now is it?

Now, back in the day, the bottom line was clear, concise speech and writing. Know what I mean? Today we see whatever floats peoples boats. Frankly, we have now become wrapped up in using meaningless phrases to fill in the blanks where actual thought should be taking place. That being said we also try to make new words fit old ideas and usages. Cars no longer come in makes and models but editions, limited editions and issues. TV shows no longer broadcast episodes but events. And they are digital and HD! At the end of the day, however, it is still the same old stuff. But it is still totally awesome!

Oh snap! It just drives me bonkers to hear and read all this stuff. You know what I'm saying? Then again, maybe not and if not, my bad. At the end of the day I could care less. Having said that, we really should pay closer attention. After all is said and done, if you snooze you lose. That's what I'm talkin' about! Actually, I am just writing about it.

The perils of this language abuse — in terms of its tendency to dumb-down both the language and those who use it — cannot be overstated!

That's it in a nutshell.

But wait!! There's more!

Seriously?

No.

I think that puts the nail in the coffin. I have to run to the post office. I am going to try to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.

The Lake - 1

I was strolling through the backyard yesterday. I was very careful not to leave footprints in the snow since I did not want any squirrels tracking me. They look for nuts in the winter, you know. I did not enjoy the idea of becoming a trophy over some squirrelly family's fireplace while they roasted chestnuts or whatever in it. As I walked I must have stumbled into a warp in the very fabric of space-time or whatever and ended up in a town surrounded by a lake on all sides, except the top. I checked out the warp and found that I could come and go as I pleased, so I decided to visit for awhile.

I was accosted by a young married couple and was invited into their home for the afternoon meal. They apparently were used to warped strangers dropping in now and then and were very at ease an eager to tell about their town. It was named Lake Nuncansee and was founded by illiterate Catholic missionaries. Once these pioneers learned how to read they began reading the Bible and became Lutherans. They immediately offered a tuna casserole as a burnt offering and proceeded to settle the town. The town and the surrounding lake were located in Lawst County of the state of Connectichusetts. Hence they could never really place their little town on the map, so to speak. But that was fine with them. They managed to take care of all their needs and grew fairly prosperous and greatly happy as time went on. The town had quite a history that I am sure will come out as we go along with these letters.

One thing really struck me as interesting. At first almost everyone who settled there was suspicious of everyone else. Secret agencies began to spring up. Curiously enough, two of these agencies were known as the CIA and the FBI. Soon however, it became apparent that CIA really stood for Caught In the Act and FBI was an agency that was Forever Bungling Investigations and they, along with all the other secret agencies, quickly died out and were replaced to this day by trust and love. No doors were locked and they only keys in the whole town were those found on a piano. Not that the town did not have problems, as you will see in future stories, but they managed to solve them with wit, humor and love.

I asked my host and hostess, Philboyd Studge and his wife, Vanilla if there were any of those Norwegian Bachelor Farmers I had heard about on Garrison Keillor's radio program and they said there weren't. Everyone was married, although there were a few Swedish meatballs in the town. They then told me about the town government. Or at least about the mayor. He was an Englishman by the name of Colin Lancaster-York O.B.E., C.E., M.B.E., Q.C. I remember some of the initials as being awards of the English government, like the Order of the British Empire and the Queen's Cross but the others I did not know.

Finally they realized that they had not inquired about my name. I told them that I was Stan Hoffer H.S.G., C.D. Those initials mystified them until I explained that they meant High School Graduate and College Dropout. We had a great laugh and then I said my farewells as it was getting late in the day and the squirrels, I knew, were preparing one last foraging trip. So I bid the good day and accepted their invitation to return often. I surely would. It was a fascinating place and there would probably be much to learn there. Maybe I could even teach them some things. The future would tell all.

So, I made my way safely through the squirrel hunting grounds and returned safe and snug to my computer- at which I now sit.

That's the news from Lake Nuncansee, where all the couples are married, all the children have parents and everyone is warped.

But they said that there weren't.

Playing In The Word-Farm

What follows here are just some fun writings. Maybe there is some meaning to them, maybe not. The aim here is for folks to smile, have a chuckle or two and maybe have a thought or two.

These writings come from several sources. Some were written as stories to my daughter when she left home to join the US Air Force. Some were thoughts shared between Zero (my late cat and editor) and me. Some are just idle ramblings of a wandering, curious mind.

I hope you will enjoy!