Thursday, April 30, 2009

Schott’s Vocab

I don't care much for shortened words like, vocab, convo, app and the like. But...


I’ve been enjoying "Schott’s Vocab", a new blog from the New York Times. It’s about words and word use. Word-nerd Ben Schott has a passion for “lexicographical trifles,” and is attempting to document language as it evolves, day-to-day. Today the blog is about the swine flu — just like every other piece of media in every paper everywhere. But Schott’s article isn’t about deaths, epidemiology, or where to get a SARS Guard; it’s about the language used to describe the current flu. Here’s a sample (minus a bunch of embedded links Schott uses to reference his sources):

Pork producers, for obvious reasons, also favor the (non-porcine) term Mexican flu; the European Union’s Health Commissioner Androulla Vassiliou has advocated (the already out-of-date) “novel flu“; and World Animal Health proposed (the curiously specific) “North American flu.”

The non-profit SaveCalifornia.com decided that what A (H1N1) needed was an alarmist prefix, and promptly re-branded the disease “killer Mexican flu.” British Professor John Oxford went one step further, warning that swine flu could combine with avian flu to form an “Armageddon virus.”

Satirical Web site The Spoof suggested that, to reassure tourists, the virus be called “Miss Piggy Flu” - which was disturbingly close to The Sun’s recent headline, “Piggies in The Muddle.”



Read the rest or check out the main Schott’s Vocab page for a great look at today’s words. It will be worth the look and it looks promising for future looks.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Is Punctuation Important?

You decide.


Consider these two letters...


Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

New Element Discovered!!

A new element has been discovered and will soon be added to the Periodic Table.


The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 325 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 127 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 538. These 538 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.


Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.


Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.


Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.


Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.


Saturday, April 18, 2009

Yet Another Disappointing Letter


Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Litchfield County, Connecticut two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus Spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Sally Sylic Asid
Curator, Antiquities

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Why I Loved England - Part 1

I was in the USAF and stationed in Britain from 1967 through 1971. I treasure my time over there. In this and future posts I wouyld like to share some of those times and some of the wonderful people I met over there. But for today - just a short post to perhaps whet your appetite.


I just love British humour. Yes, humour is spelled correctly here if you are on the other side of the pond.


Most Americans need to stay away from British humour. It will only confuse them and leave them still thirsty for some actual humour sadly lacking in their own diet. It has many of the characteristics of American humor except it is very subtly funny.


As an example -


From the Guardian: "Woman gives birth on London Underground, considers naming the child accordingly. Thankfully the station was Kingsbury and not Elephant and Castle."


Dear fellow Americans: You should know that right now British readers are probably laughing their arses off. Don't yet know what an arse even is? Anyway, the British don't really ever actually laugh their arses off. They only snicker inwardly. Sometimes their lips twitch once or twice, but that's pretty much the limit. I confess to the American malady of bursting out in fits of laughter.


So...having read that short piece, some questions come to mind.


How could a woman give birth "on" London if she is underground?


Is the funny part that London is underground? It isn't, right? I mean London isn't, right?


Why would anyone name a kid "Accordingly"?



She gave birth in the London Underground? Perhaps she should get her "tubes" tied?


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Pithy Stuff

I am a collector of quotations. I have been ever since I learned to love writing.

I am particularly fond of what I like to call "pithy stuff". These short quotations can cover an unlimited variety of subjects: love, religion, politics, human nature, etc. What unites them is their ability to say more in one or two sentences than could be expressed in a thousand-word treatise. It's like being able to pour a gallon of coffee into a coffee cup.

They are superb examples of Mark Twain's famous dictum, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."

Any collection of pithy stuff must necessarily be biased in terms of what it includes and excludes. I make no apologies for my selections, only for the hundreds of other meritorious quotations I had to leave out. No one will agree with all these quotations; this was not their intention. You may even find some of them repugnant or outrageous. This was their intention. Remember - A conclusion often marks the place where a person got tired of thinking.

We seldom learn anything of value from what we already agree with. Only those ideas that grate on our nerves can open our minds. As with oysters, irritation can produce pearls. So if anything you are about to read annoys or shocks you, try to think clearly and dispassionately about what it is saying. You will either be confirmed in your current belief or shaken into re-examining it.

Either way, you win!

I have already mentioned Mark Twain, so I will begin with him. He offers such a treasure trove of witty, perceptive quotations that it would be almost unthinkable to start with anyone else.

Like all great authors, Mark Twain's books, essays, and other writings go far beyond geography. They are universal.

So In no particular order, here are his pithy stuff on a variety of subjects.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work.

When a person cannot deceive himself, the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.



Mark Twain is an almost inexhaustible source of pithy stuff. The quotations included here barely scratch the surface. Let me conclude with a comment by perhaps the only other source of pithy stuff more prolific. Our good friend from a previous post - Anon.



"Most of us prefer to disparage a person who is almost always right rather than asking why we ourselves are almost always wrong." - Anon.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your interminable efforts to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney and upper-class twit. You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2010) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $8/US gallon - get used to it).

12. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

One Reason I Love British Humor - Part 1

Swimming fish could be key to generating electricity for UK homes

Harnessing the power of swimming fish could hold the key to generating electricity to power Britain's homes in the future, according to Government scientists.

By Louise Gray, Environment CorrespondentLast Updated: 9:29PM BST 31 Mar 2009

The Environment Agency's Horizon Scanning Team found the nation's rivers are full of untapped energy in the form of fish migrating upstream.

By installing networks of electric prongs along the riverbed, the energy can be captured and fed into the National Grid.

Environmentalists welcomed the opportunity to not only generate clean energy but ensure rivers are maintained for wildlife.

However, there was concern that areas for fishing could be out of bounds in future and wildlife or even fishermen could be electrocuted by the prongs.

The project, codenamed 'Finetics', builds on Japanese technology that captures energy from people walking over pressure sensitive mats at train stations.

Research found that a typical salmon, which zips through waters at a top speed of 12 metres (40ft) per second, can over a 100m (330ft) stretch generate enough electricity to make 18 cups of tea, while the more shy rudd will only trigger enough power for three cups.

Multiplied many times over by the millions of fish that thrive in rivers and waters across England and Wales, the Environment Agency scientists estimate the amount of electricity generated could power around 30,000 homes a year.

Dr Andrea Pool, who heads up the Horizon Scanning team, said: "Initially we looked at working with sheep and cattle as well as fish, but it quickly became apparent that the energy-generating potential of fish far outweighed that of slow-moving grazing stocks. Plus, fish populations are the healthiest they have been as a result of huge improvements in water quality over the past two decades."

A three-month trial of the technology was conducted last summer at a secret location on the River Tees, which has seen salmon numbers increase to record highs. In that period enough electricity was generated to power a typical family home for a year.

Plans are now underway for a large scale trial over a year along the River Severn because it has such a strong tidal current which forces fish to move at optimum speeds as they swim upstream. This will help to ensure the technology can be rolled out across England and Wales in the future.
Gavin Roach, a world-leading specialist in green technologies based at the Université de Poisson d'Avril in Paris, who will monitor the forthcoming trials, said: "The Environment Agency team has made a very exciting breakthrough. Finetics clearly has the potential to create significant amounts of power by simply harnessing the power of nature."

However, campaign group Freedom for Fishermen said it was a potential danger to the four million people in the UK who fish as a hobby.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Tracking Down A Myth Behind A Legend

Usually when I climb into bed at night sleep does not come quickly. But I don't mind. In fact, I treasure that time. It is when my mind feels free to roam and wander through places usually lost in fog and clutter.

Last week, for example, I happened to wonder if some prognosticator who based his or her writings on odors wafting through the air would be named Nostrildamus. Would those writing have a basis in common scents? They certainly couldn't be considered nonscents now could they?

But last night I stumbled upon a truly perplexing question. I had been looking at lists of quotations recently and one name popped up quite regularly. No matter what subject was being expounded upon, this name was in the list. The question formed in my mind - "Who was Anon?"

Books of quotations are cluttered with sayings attributed to Anon, and these scraps of truth and wisdom have earned Anon universal recognition and immortality. Innumerable biographies have been written about lesser authors, even authors so obscure that their works are seldom read. But Anon, though widely read and widely quoted, has been accorded only widespread indifference. So complete has been the scholarly neglect of Anon that his name has become a synonym for "unknown." In spite of this, his works have stood the test of time, and he continues to be one of the most often quoted authors. Ibid is also frequently cited, but his works only seem to follow someone else's work rather than state something new.

Anon's work was considered immortal in all historical ages although we know that it is generally quite difficult for an author to achieve immortality in his own time.

Perhaps Anon inspired an ancient "school" of thinkers who later traveled far and wide disseminating his ideas? This may be true. Nobody knows. But then, he would, since Nobody knew Anon personally. Indeed, Nobody knew a lot of things which baffled everyone else. But the hypothesis that Nobody was a pupil of Anon is dubious, if true.

The historical problem is compounded by the timeless quality of Anon's work. His wisdom seems too old-fashioned for modern times, yet too advanced for ancient times. Either Anon was in the habit of living in the past, or anticipating the future. If so, it follows that he was probably neglected and unappreciated in his own age, and that could explain a lot.

Leaving these irrelevant questions aside, let us look at Anon's career. It can be divided into three distinct phases: the first, the second, and the third. That leaves only the problem of deciding into which phase to place each of Anon's works. This is especially troublesome for his posthumous works. Since we have no idea when Anon died, it's even a bit difficult to determine which of his works were posthumous.

We might at least hope to extract Anon's philosophy from those fragments of his genius which have trickled down to us through the sieve of history. It is a vain hope. While Anon wrote (or perhaps spoke) on many subjects, he had the infuriating habit of speaking on every side of every question. No consistent pattern emerges, but this is itself consistent with Anon's own observation that "Consistency is the curse of small minds." On yet another occasion he said, "Sticking consistently to any one position sooner or later leads to logical difficulties." Perhaps Anon merely wanted to ensure that all sides of every question be heard. Yet he expressed reservations about this approach, saying, "One who can see both sides of a question doesn't understand the question." Such remarks strongly suggest that Anon may be the true father of the disciplines of logic and philosophy.

To achieve a true appreciation of Anon's work we must first recognize that the inconsistencies and contradictions inherent or implied in his work do, in fact, represent the central, unifying theme of his philosophy.

One historian even goes so far as to suggest that all of Anon's works are forgeries of recent (19th century) origin, perpetrated by author Lewis Carroll (Charles Dodgson) writing under the pseudonym: E. M. Anon. When this name is read backwards it is seen to be an anagram of the kind Carroll loved to devise. This outrageous theory deserves to be rejected on its merits.

The name "Anon" is virtually unknown in any language, which suggests that Anon had no descendants. Perhaps Anon's family suffered from hereditary infertility. It's a well-known biological fact that if your parents had no children, it's very likely that you won't either.

Lest we be overawed by Anon's versatility, we should look at what he didn't do, for that demonstrates his discrimination and good taste. He never wrote an epic poem, a play, or an opera. He never wrote a best selling work of fiction, never wrote a textbook, and never edited an anthology. He left such enterprises to hacks and lesser intellects.

No painting or drawing bears the signature "Anon." No sculpture has "Anon" chiseled on its base. If he ever tried his hand at art, he apparently never signed his works.

For all of his output of serious sagacity, homely homilies, and profound pronouncements, Anon had a lighter side. In fact his output of jokes far exceeded the rest of his literary work. It is true that many of these jokes are off-color, but that has only enhanced their popularity. They are remembered and quoted verbatim by people who couldn't recite one line of "The Ancient Mariner." Anon knew that art is of no value without an audience, or as he put it so well, "'Tis better to be obscene than unheard."

So, a picture of Anon emerges: a witty, slightly cynical, philosopher of the people. He could sum up the essence of an idea in one pithy sentence. Though many others plagiarized his works, he never complained. He must have cared little for money, for there is no record that he was ever paid for any of his work.

Anon demonstrated that the best way to achieve recognition is by not seeking it. He was unconcerned about the judgment of posterity, for he said, "Be not obligated to posterity. What has posterity ever done for you? The critical judgment of posterity comes too late to be useful."

Of course any conclusions about Anon, the man, might have to be modified if it were shown that Anon was a woman. The true sex of Anon may be a matter of dispute among scholars, yet we have no reason to believe that Anon ever had the slightest concern about this question.

As usual, Anon had the first word on such speculations when he (or she) said, "Nothing stimulates outrageous theories so effectively as an absence of evidence."

Or sleepless nights?