Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Apostrophe Warrior

This article is from the British newspaper The Telegraph (online edition) of 22 August 2009.


Accountant Stefan Gatward, who shot to fame for correcting the grammar of a street sign in Royal Tunbridge Wells, has launched a campaign to correct errors in signs across the town.


By Patrick Sawer
Published: 9:00PM BST 22 Aug 2009


He has been called a vandal, a graffiti artist and a pedant.

Even his admirers admit he is "a bit of an old codger". But Stefan Gatward – accountant, former private in the Gordon Highlanders and now Anglican day chaplain – remains unrepentant.

Known as The Apostrophe Man of Royal Tunbridge Wells, Mr Gatward shot to fame last week after taking the law (or at least a bylaw) into his own hands by adding a missing apostrophe to the street signs on his road.

St Johns Close became St John's Close and overnight Mr Gatward gained respect and derision in equal measure. While many of his neighbours congratulated him on his stand, the apostrophe was scratched off three days later.

Fearful of an appearance at a magistrate's court – or should that be magistrates' court? – Mr Gatward decided not to paint in the apostrophe again.

However, determined to halt the slide of the Queen's English into what he regards as a babel of Americanisms and street slang, he has instead embarked on a tour of the spa town in order to point out the grammatical howlers which besmirch its street signs.

After all, service in one of Britain's finest regiments and a career balancing books and ledgers have taught him a thing or two about accuracy, order and clarity and it is a lesson he remains determined to share with the rest of us.

"It's the cavalier attitude to language I can't abide," he said as we set off.

Within a half-square mile radius of his home Mr Gatward spotted half a dozen misplaced or missing apostrophes.

Stephen's Road appeared correctly in a pre-Second World War sign while in the modern sign on the opposite side of the street the apostrophe had been omitted to read Stephens Road.

The same mistake had been made in Queen's Road, where the older sign had an apostrophe while the modern one left it out.

Mr Gatward, 62, said: "Some people argue we should do away with apostrophes all together. Well, if that's the case, let's at least be consistent about it.

"But we would then get into all sorts of problems with meaning. How would be distinguish between 'we'd' and 'wed'?"

Worse was to come. A sign for Mr Gatward's own church managed to leave out the apostrophe so that the main heading read 'St Lukes', while in smaller lettering below the church's name was spelt with the apostrophe.

This served to confirm a pet theory of Mr Gatward's that the Catholic Church is rather more rigorous in these matters than the liberal Church of England, given it's adherence to scriptural doctrine rather than individual interpretation.

Moving on, Mr Gatward stumbled on a gem of a mistake. One street sign read 'All Saint's Road', with the apostrophe incorrectly denoting one saint where it should by definition be the plural possessive All Saints' Road.

Barely 200 metres along the road we found another incorrect sign, this time reading 'All Saints Rise leading to All Saints Road', with no apostrophes at all.

"Whoever does this should be flogged," he said, perhaps only half in jest.

But Mr Gatward is far from being the archetypal 'disgusted of Tunbridge Wells'. For all his appearance and demeanour – Royal British Legion tie and badge, blazer, smartly polished shoes – he only moved to the town 18 months ago.

Born in Rotherhithe, south London, his father was a clerk and his mother a shop assistant. Bright enough to gain a scholarship, the young Stefan learnt his proper grammar at Alleyn's School in Dulwich.

From there he joined the Gordon Highlanders, in 1965, before leaving four years later to work as a ship broker and then qualify as an accountant.

In his spare time he officiates at services at Southwark Cathedral as a day chaplain.

"In all my work clarity has been vital," he said. "But a generation of children is growing up using a language that nobody else understands, based on street slang and mobile phone texts."

"Perhaps people think apostrophes are a bit messy. But the apostrophe is there to show possession or a missing letter. While language and words may change with time grammar should be sacrosanct," said Mr Gatward.

Siân Cunningham, a 19-year-old manager of a children's shoe shop on the corner of St John's Road and Queen's Road could not quite see what all the fuss was about.

"I never really notice whether things have got an apostrophe in them or not and I'm not really sure what the rules are about their use," she confessed, conceding that with a Grade B in GCSE English language and literature she ought to know better.

"Society is more relaxed about that kind of thing nowadays."

More relaxed she may be, but Miss Cunningham admitted she insists people place a circumflex over the "a" when writing her first name. Mr Gatward could not hide his delight.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Humor In The Real World

I find it wonderful how a situation can be a source of spontaneous humor and leave at least a few people with a smile that lasts a little while.

Two recent incidents and one from high school come to mind. I would like to share them with you.

The first happened this past Monday as I was doing the grocery shopping. I went to the deli counter to get some cold cuts and took a number from the dispenser. It was number 13. I chuckled to myself. Cursed bologna in my future?

There was another gentleman there who was about my age and he was joking with the clerk and teasing her about staying up late to watch the Red Sox lose another game to the Yankees. The clerk was not happy about her Red Sox. I just tossed in the comment - "Could be worse. You could be a Mets fan!" The three of us had a chuckle at that.

Then the clerk finished with the customer she had and looked up on the board to see what the next number was. 13. She turned to me and asked, "Are you 13?". I started to laugh and replied, "Not in quite a few years!" The other gentleman burst out laughing and said, "Wow! You get carded for buying cold cuts now!?" The three of us were laughing now and a few of the other customers who had heard the exchange joined in the laughter. I got my cold cuts and thanked the lady, shook hands with the gentleman and walked away to finish the shopping. There were 7 people who were still chuckling and had smiles on their faces that would last at least a little while longer. A good start to the day.

A few weeks ago Judy and I went out for an early supper. We went to Friendlies - a local ice cream and burger type restaurant. As we walked in we stopped at the front desk that held the sign that read "Please let us seat you". Promptly a young lady came up to us, looked at me and asked "How many of you are there today?".

I chuckled and said "Just one. And there is one of my wife with me."

The waitress looked puzzled and asked "So there are two of you?"

"Nope just one of me. And, of course, one of my wife."

Then it hit her and she laughed. "OK A table for two then?"

"Yep, that would be fine. Perfect for the two ones of each of us."

She led us to our table. "Your waitress will be here in a moment. Just one of her also," she said with a smile.

I heard her telling a friend of hers about our exchange and the two of them laughing. I have a feeling that story was retold a few times that day.

I just love when a situation blossoms with some spontaneous humor and the smiles and laughter linger for at least a little while in someone's day.

Last night these two little bits of life reminded me of something that happened in high school. We were in Mr. Todd's history class and one of the boys (let's call him John Doe) was acting up. Mr. Todd snapped his pointer down on the desk and glared at John. "Mr. Doe! Stop this nonsense immediately or I will send you to the office for insolence!"

It just blurted out of me. Really, it did. Just lept out before thought could happen. I spoke up and said, "I don't think they have any insolence down in the office." The whole class burst out in laughter. I looked sheepishly at Mr. Todd. He could not hide the smile blooming on his face and he could not contain a burst of laughter either.

A potentially ugly moment turned into laughter and smiles that lasted for the rest of that day and beyond. It was mentioned often for awhile where students (and, yes, teachers) gathered to shoot the breeze. Although Mr. Todd did pull me aside afterward.

"I have two things to say to you. Don't get in the habit of smart-mouthing in class!"

"And the second thing?" I asked.

"It really was a great line!"


A good day!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

On The Appellation Trail

I've long been fascinated by names -- names of things, names of places, names of people. I like words for and pertaining to names -- appellation, monicker, nomenclature, ycleption. Here are some assorted items involving names.

My Mom used to keep a list of what she called "punny names" -- mostly puns on common terms or phrases, written in the form of people's names. When I was in high school I got to contribute to the list. I used liked punny-name titles starting with "Sir" or "Miss," depending on the gender of the name's owner: Sir Prize, Miss Demeanor, Sir Eptitious, Miss Take, Sir Tinly, Miss Place, Sir Loin, Miss Direction, Sir Cuitous, Miss Conception, Sir Plus, Miss Information, Sir Cull, Miss Understanding and Miss Givings. My personal favorite was Sir Real.

Half a dozen common first names (or nicknames for first names) are the names of letters: Bee, Dee, Jay, Kay, Em. (Seems odd to me that there aren't any in the second half of the alphabet; I've heard "Vee" as a nickname for names starting with V, but that's more like calling someone by an initial.) At one point in high school my friend Bea stumbled while walking; another friend nearby, concerned, exclaimed, "Oh, gee, Bee, are you okay?" -- a string of seven letters, particularly impressive given its impromptu nature. (For lots of phrases pronounced like strings of letters, by the way, see William Steig's marvelous book CDB.)

I think it's fairly obvious (to an American, anyway), especially given the current context, what these people have in common:

* Georgia O'Keeffe
* Indiana Jones
* Minnesota Fats
* Mississippi John Hurt
* Tennessee Williams (or Tennessee Ernie Ford)
* U. Utah Phillips
* Virginia Woolf (or Virginia Heinlein)
* Washington Irving

Can you think of any other people (or characters) that fit in any of these lists?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Mondegreens

Mondegreens are in a sense the opposite of malapropisms; they result from something being misheard rather than missaid.

The term mondegreen was originally coined by author Sylvia Wright, and has come to be quite widely used. As a child, Wright heard the lyrics of The Bonny Earl of Murray (a Scottish ballad) as:

Ye highlands and ye lowlands
Oh where hae you been?
Thou hae slay the Earl of Murray
And Lady Mondegreen

It eventually transpired that Lady Mondegreen existed only in the mind of Sylvia Wright, for the actual lyrics said that they "slay the Earl of Murray and laid him on the green." And to this day Lady Mondegreen's name has been used to describe all mishearings of this type.

Here are a few misheard phrases and song lyrics (the first three are well-known examples):

* "Excuse me while I kiss this guy."
"Excuse me while I kiss the sky."
Purple Haze, Jimi Hendrix
* "There's a bathroom on the right."
"There's a bad moon on the rise."
Bad Moon Rising, Creedence Clearwater
* "The girl with colitis goes by."
"The girl with kaleidoscope eyes."
Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, The Beatles
* "Crimean River."
"Cry Me a River."
Cry Me a River, Julie London
* "Bring me an iron lung."
"Bring me a higher love."
Higher Love, Steve Winwood
* "Mama don't take my clothes 'n' throw 'em away."
"Mama don't take my Kodachrome away."
Kodachrome, Paul Simon
* "You make the best homemade stew around."
"You make the best of what's still around."
When The World Is Running Down, The Police
* "Very close veins."
"Varicose veins."
* "Paper View TV."
"Pay-per-view TV."

# "Gladly, the cross-eyed bear."
"Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
Traditional Hymn

# "Dead ants are my friends; they're blowin' in the wind."
"The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind."
Blowin' In The Wind, Bob Dylan

# "Midnight after you're wasted."
"Midnight at the oasis."
Midnight at the Oasis, Maria Muldaur

# "Sleep in heavenly peas."
"Sleep in heavenly peace."
Silent Night, Christmas carol

# "I blow bubbles when you are not here."
"My world crumbles when you are not here."
I Try, Macy Gray

# "I got no towel, I hung it up again."
"I get knocked down, but I get up again."
Tubthumping, Chumbawumba

# "She's got a chicken to ride."
"She's got a ticket to ride."
Ticket to Ride, The Beatles

# "You and me and Leslie."
"You and me endlessly..."
Groovin', The Rascals

# "Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble; tres bien ensemble."
"Sunday monkey won't play piano song, play piano song."
Michelle, The Beatles

# "I'll be your xylophone waiting for you."
"I'll be beside the phone waiting for you."
Build Me Up Buttercup, The Foundations

# "Are you going to starve an old friend?"
"Are you going to Scarborough Fair?"
Scarborough Fair, Simon and Garfunkel

# "Baking carrot biscuits."
"Taking care of business."
Takin' Care Of Business, Bachman-Turner Overdrive

# "Donuts make my brown eyes blue."
"Don't it make my brown eyes blue."
Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue, Crystal Gale

# "Got a lot of lucky peanuts."
"Got a lot of love between us."
Let's Hang On. Frankie Vallee and the Four Seasons

# "What a nice surprise when you're out of ice."
"What a nice surprise bring your alibis."
Hotel California, Eagles

# "Hope the city voted for you."
"Hopelessly devoted to you."
Hopelessly Devoted to You, Grease

# "I'm a pool hall ace."
"My poor heart aches."
Every Step You Take, The Police

# "Just brush my teeth before you leave me, baby."
"Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby."
Angel of the Morning, Juice Newton

Care to share any others?

Friday, August 14, 2009

What is the Color of My Love's True Hair?


Q: What happened when the ship full of red paint collided with the ship full of blue paint?


A: All the sailors were marooned.



Colors have remarkably strong and varied associations.

For example, Reds in American English slang could be barbiturate pills, but more often they're Communists (as, more or less, are the similarly colored pinkos). Greens might be part of a salad, or they might be ecology-minded people; and in adjectival form a "green" person might (depending on context) be inexperienced, ill, or envious.

Yellow is associated with cowardice -- and formerly was used to describe Asian skin colors. Someone who is red (as opposed to being "a Red") might be embarrassed or sunburned or (in old-fashioned fiction) an American Indian. Skin colors span an amazing variety of hues; it's unfortunate that the language available to talk about that range of colors is inextricably entangled in political issues, because I'd love to have more precise words for all those colors. White, for instance, is used to describe a wide range of pinkish skin tones, although certain nationalities and ethnicities with pinkish skin used to be excluded from that term. Black similarly applies to a wide range of brown and dark skins, though recently I've been hearing "brown" to refer to an even wider range of darker-than-"white" skin colors. And then there's the term "people of color" -- which is very different in connotation from the term "colored people." (And colored has different connotations in the US from those it has in, for example, South Africa.)

Adding to the political issues about skin color is the fact that -- in Western European cultures, at any rate -- white has long been the color of purity and goodness, while black has long been associated with evil. (Interestingly, pink and brown have no such connotations.) Though black can also refer to the color of a caucasian's face when they're angry. And it has positive connotations in financial circles, where it's better to be in the black than in the red.

Purple was once the color of royalty, though it's also the color of an enraged caucasian face. Blue means sad. Orange and green don't necessarily seem opposed until you learn that they're the colors of the Catholics and the Protestants in Ulster. Colors on flags have enormous symbolic value, as do school colors and even holiday colors -- you can tell what time of year it is in any American shopping center by whether the decorations are black-and-orange, red-and-green, or red-white-and-blue.

Color names are also amazingly varied. In one edition of her comic book "Castle Waiting: The Curse of Brambly Hedge", Linda Medley included a long list of color names, most of which you wouldn't find in a box of Crayolas. (Though to be fair, Crayola has vastly expanded their color names in recent years. Their Web page includes some interesting information on the politics of color names: the well-known change from their Flesh color to Peach, for example, and the change from Indian Red even though that name originally had nothing to do with American Indians.) I've adapted that list (with modifications) here, though this is by no means exhaustive:

alizarin, amber, amethyst, apple green, apricot, aquamarine, aubergine, auburn, avocado, azure, banana, barium-yellow, bark, basalt, battleship-gray, bay, beige, bisque, bittersweet, black, blue, blush, bone, brick red, bronze, brown, buff, burgundy, burnt orange, burnt sienna, burnt umber, butternut, butter, cadet blue, camel, canary, cardinal, carmine, carnation, carnelian, cerise, cerulean, chalk, champagne, charcoal, chartreuse, cherry, chestnut, chocolate, cinnabar, cinnamon, citrine, citron, cobalt, concrete, copper, coral, cornflower, cranberry, cream, crimson, cyan, daffodil, damson, dandelion, dove grey, dun, ebony, ecru, eggplant, eggshell, emerald, evergreen, fawn, flamingo, flax, flint, fuchsia, garnet, gentian, geranium, ginger, gold, goldenrod, granite, grape, green, grey, gunmetal, hazel, heather, heliotrope, henna, honey, incarnadine, indigo, ivory, jade, jet, jonquil, khaki, kumquat, lavender, lemon, lilac, lime, linen, liver, lutein, madder, magenta, mahogany, maize, malachite, mango, maple, marble, marigold, maroon, mauve, melon, moss, mulberry, mustard, narcissus, nasturtium, nutmeg, oak, obsidian, ochre, olive, orange, orchid, peach, periwinkle, pink, plum, poppy, primrose, puce, pumpkin, putty, quince, raisin, raspberry, raven, raw sienna, raw umber, red, reseda, roan, rose, ruby, russet, rust, sable, saffron, sage, salmon, sand, sandalwood, sanguine, sapphire, scarlet, sepia, shale, sienna, silver, slate, soapstone, steel, tan, tangerine, taupe, tawny, teal, thistle, topaz, turquoise, ultramarine, umber, verdant, verdigris, vermillion, violet, viridian, walnut, watermelon, wheat, wine, wisteria, white, woad, xanthite, yam, yellow, zinc oxide.

And then there are modifiers applied to basic colors. For example, there are _____ greens: apple, bottle, forest, hunter, jungle, kelly, kendal, kiwi, leaf, ocean, pea, pine, quetzal, sage, sea, spring. And _____ blues: electric, ice, iron, midnight, navy, nigrosin (also nigrosin-violet), prussian, royal, steel, sky. And so on.

There are a remarkable number of names for different kinds of off-white or light grey -- for dozens more than the above, visit any paint store. (Just kidding!)

An awful lot of plant names and food names and gem names turn into color names: the color of such a thing is named after the thing, though arguably some of the items in the above list take that approach too far (I don't know if most people would consider "concrete" a valid color name). Even the color orange seems to be derived from the plant name, not the other way around; and I believe the same is true of the color pink, named after the flower.

I recently looked through a Lands' End catalog. Several item descriptions contained words like "Seven colors left." I couldn't figure out why they would mention how many colors were remaining. It made it sound like they were running low on stock of most of their clothing. And then it hit me: "Seven colors left" meant "See the seven color swatches shown to the left of this text."

A Side Note -

As I reread this piece I got stuck on the word gray. Or is it grey?

In the third grade I was entered in a spelling bee. During one of the earlier rounds, I was asked to give the spelling of the word "gray." The image of a gray coloring crayon quickly came to mind. On its side, as is customary of most crayons, the crayon's color was written. The spelling I saw on that imagined crayon (which most certainly came from an actual experience in my past) was g-r-e-y. So, that is how I answered the question.

When I was told my spelling was incorrect, I returned to my chair and tried to fight back tears (I really wanted to win, and didn't feel I deserved to be leaving the event so quickly). Just minutes after I had sat down, one of the teachers (Thank you Mrs. Rosenberg!) in the room spoke up and said that she believed my spelling of the word gray was not incorrect. After some research (I believe we were in the school library, so it didn't take long), it was decided that my spelling of the word was acceptable, and I was allowed to continue participating. I eventually ended up winning the spelling bee — something I was very proud of at the time — but that is neither here nor there.

The point of this story is, there are two acceptable spellings of the word gray. Prior to today I was under the assumption that "gray" was simply the more popular of the pair, but after two quick Google searches for "gray" and "grey," I realized the difference seems to be very slight (on the Web, at least).

So what, then, is the difference between the two spellings? According to Google Answers, the two words have almost the same meaning in all cases, and g-r-a-y is simply an American derivation of the original spelling g-r-e-y. According references I found on the web the difference can be chalked up to the same happenstances that led to organize/organise and judgement/judgment. Apparently e.e. cummings is partly to blame as well. However, among the several hypotheses for why gray and grey exist, I believe the following to be the best:

Gray is a color.

Grey is a *colour*.

So next time you're faced with the choice of spelling the word "gray," feel free to go with whatever spelling best suits you at the time. I think I'll continue to use g-r-e-y, just because it's been so lucky for me in the past.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Some Thoughts At 2:00am

I was out on my deck yesterday and thought I saw an Eskimo -- but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


No matter how much you push the envelope, -- it'll still be stationery.


A cat gave birth to kittens near the road -- and was cited for littering.


A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


Two silk worms had a race -- they ended up in a tie.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway -- One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."


A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital -- his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, "No change yet."


A backward poet -- writes inverse.




A Final Story For Today -


A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they Called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out to Western Canada to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just






..............................................







a common tater!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Responding To An Email - It's Like So Unfair!

After my recent post about overused cliches, I received the following email.


I found this somewhere on the web. It applies to your recent entry about the overuse of cliches. Care to respond?

Why are the old fogeys and usage whiners of the world so upset about the epistemic-hedging use of like, as in She's, like, so cool? The old fogeys use equivalent devices themselves, all the time. An extremely common one is "if you will". Semantically it does exactly what like does. Let me explain.

Look at these synonymous pairs:

1. "The evidence I think will show that of the total amount of money raised from private sources, and from profits or increases in markup, if you will, on the sale of U.S. weapons to Iran, that a relatively small percentage of that money went to the Contras."

"The evidence I think will show that of the total amount of money raised from private sources, and from profits or increases in, like, markup on the sale of U.S. weapons to Iran, that a relatively small percentage of that money went to the Contras."

2. "The baboon that's best at coping with stress is the one that seeks emotional backing from other baboons (support groups, if you will), the researchers found."


"The baboon that's best at coping with stress is the one that seeks emotional backing from other baboons (like, support groups), the researchers found."

3. "And the bland assumption that all cartoons are childish or trivial is itself, if you will, a cartoon version of "cartoon."


"And the bland assumption that all cartoons are childish or trivial is itself, like, a cartoon version of "cartoon."


4. "I think it's a reason we've done well; part of our mystique, if you will."

"I think it's a reason we've done well; part of, like, our mystique."



In each case, the first sentence is a quote from The Wall Street Journal. They mostly appear to be quotes from educated and prosperous middle-aged persons — CEOs and so on. The second sentence in each pair is my translation into the style of younger speakers.

When people who think the English language is going to hell in a handcart cite phenomena like this use of like as their evidence, things are going a bit too far. Like functions in younger speakers' English as something perfectly ordinary: a way to signal hedging about vocabulary choice -- a momentary uncertainty about whether the adjacent expression is exactly the right form of words or not. If the English language didn't implode when if you will took on this kind of role among the baby boomers, it will survive having like take on an extremely similar role for their kids. The people who grouse about like are myopic old whiners who haven't looked at their own, like, linguistic foibles, if you will.


My reply -

I notice that, in every case cited, the reference is to printed material - the newspaper. My post was referring to spoken words in a conversation, lecture, newscast or the like. Because I wrote of current abuse please do not think I blindly accept what has gone on in the past. I don't.

A few years ago I challenged a relative to converse with me for 5 minutes without using either "like" or "y'know". She was a very intelligent, talented, musically gifted Mensa member in her twenties. I put a twenty dollar bill on the table. It was hers for the taking. She lasted 23 seconds.

More on this in the future.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Tailor's Son



We do not just live in the present. We also live in the past. How neat when a song or phrase or even just a word transports us back to a time and place we enjoyed in a year gone by.

Judy and I were watching a rerun of M*A*S*H* the other night. The episode had to do with a practical joke that Hawkeye and BJ pulled on Charles. It was exactly the same joke that my room-mate and I pulled on our other room-mate back at RAF Bentwaters way back in 1969 or so. We were three to a room in the barracks back then.

My two roomies at the time were Seth and Ron. Seth was the son of a tailor and was an absolute whiz at alterations to clothing. He made a few bucks on the side sewing on new stripes at promotion time or adjusting waist or length of uniforms pants. He could also whip up a great suit of civvies from material provided to him. Ron was a fitness fanatic. He worked out at least twice daily and was very careful of what he ate. He would lecture us about fitness and health quite often. And just as often it was a huge relief when he left to go work out at the base gym. Ron's Sunday afternoon workouts would last for hours.

One Sunday Seth was sitting on his bunk after Ron had left for the gym following a particularly stirring diatribe on the evils of fat. A broad grin spread over Seth's face.

"Ut oh Seth. What are you thinking?"

"I think it is time for ol' Ronny to gain some weight!" Seth then went to Ron's closet and got all his uniform pants (7 pair) and his needle and thread. 25 minutes later all of Ron's waist bands were 1/4 inch smaller. Since Seth worked a different shift than Ron, he had time the following morning to make a similar adjustment to Ron's civvies.

The following Sunday and Monday another quarter of an inch disappeared. By now Ron was noticing something awry. On Saturday afternoons we would generally split and share a large pizza from the NCO club. For the first time Ron passed on the pizza. By the time and inch had been removed Ron was skipping breakfast and spending a bit longer at the gym.

After and inch and a half was gone Seth decided to reward Ron's new diet and work out efforts and a quarter of an inch reappeared. For the next six weeks all those lost partial inches were regained and Ron was smiling again.

The problem was that now the pants were going in the other direction and not stopping. The pants were gradually getting baggier and looser. Ron was a little less in a hurry to go work out. And he actually bought and extra pizza one week and ate the whole thing himself. Snacks between meals became the order of the day.

Seth waited a few more weeks and then redirected the waist lines until they were all back where they had started. Ron never suspected a thing.

A few weeks after the conclusion of the magical waist line gag, we were again sitting in the barracks on a Sunday afternoon. Off Ron went to the gym. Seth was just sitting there reading a book when he burst out in laughter and fell out of his chair.

"What is so funny Seth? Something in the book?"

"Nope." He got up and headed for Ron's closet.

"Ut oh!"

"Yep", he said. "It's time for Ron to get taller!"



A year later Seth headed back across the pond to get his discharge and, presumably, take over his father's tailor shop. Ron and I shook his hand as he departed and waved good-bye to a good and wonderful room-mate. As we walked back to the barracks Ron said, "I sure will miss him when I need some stripes sewed on or something. He was a whiz with a needle."

To this day Ron has no idea how true that statement was.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Cliches Done to Death


Do cliches and worn-out old phrases make you want to scream? When someone says "Think outside the box," do you feel like stuffing them inside that box? Are you going to scream if you hear some kid say "like, you know" one more time?

This is my rapidly growing list of some of overused words and phrases that really ought to be retired, banned, burned or (insert your choice here).



Like

"And he was like, 'Seriously?,' and I'm like, 'Yeah,' and he's like, 'No way,' and I'm like..."


For some reason, "like" is more annoying than filler words such as "uh" and "um." Those filler words convey nervousness or low self-confidence. "Like" is, like, vacuous. You know?


You Know

This one is ALMOST as bad as "like." To my dismay, "you know" is a dear friend of "like." They always seem to hang out together.

"It's, like, you know..."


Whatever

The problem with this word isn't just that it's overused. The biggest problem I have with "whatever" is that it expresses contempt. It's dismissive, the verbal equivalent of rolling your eyes. Even if contempt is deserved, saying "whatever" rarely makes the speaker look good.


My Two Cents

This one is a crutch for almost everyone. I've even used it from time to time. This phrase is innocuous enough and doesn't seem to make people throw fits, but it is getting a little worn and tired.


Literally

Ever watch Princess Bride? Remember when Inigo tells Vizzini, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means?" "Literally" is one of those type of words.

"Literally" isn't a word you use for emphasis. It's a word you use when you say something that shouldn't just be interpreted figuratively. For example, if you jumped so high that you bumped your head, you could say, "I literally hit the ceiling."

But if you say that you literally worked your butt off, it doesn't mean you worked really hard. It means you don't have a butt anymore.

Then again, people overuse the word "literally" even if they're technically using it correctly. If you drove your car into a ditch, you can just say so and leave it at that. People probably don't need to hear the word "literally" to understand what you're saying.



Think Outside the Box

OK, time to put this business cliche back in the box now.

This buzzword was used to death by business execs who thought it sounded good. It promotes creative thinking, yet it has been repeated so much that it's become musty, flat, and uninspiring. It also sounds pretentious. Its is also not good for indoor cats.



Think of the Children

A stinky political cliche that tries to make you feel guilty if you're opposed to some law that drains your pocketbook or violates your rights in some way. If you're not willing to give up some freedoms (or at least the conveniences you grew up with), you must be in favor of child abuse. How dare you put your own selfish whims ahead of the children!



But Wait!

But wait, there's more! Call now and you'll get this fabulous egg-laying, multi-purpose rubber chicken ABSOLUTELY FREE! Wow!


Awesome

A lot of people say they HATE this one. They're all but screaming and tearing their hair out over it.

According to Dictionary.com, "awesome" is a word that means "inspiring awe." But what does "awe" mean? "An overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like."

There aren't a lot of truly awesome things in the world.


At the End of the Day

Properly translated, "at the end of the day" means, "I'm about to say something clever and profound!"

Every time a newscaster utters this hackneyed phrase, somebody pukes.



I Could Care Less

If you say this, you're saying that you DO care. Because if you DIDN'T care, it would be impossible to care less than you actually do.

That's why the phrase is correctly said, "I couldn't care less."



My Bad

My favorite definition of "my bad" comes from Urban Dictionary:

"I did something bad, and I recognize that I did something bad, but there is nothing that can be done for it now, and there is technically no reason to apologize for that error, so let's just assume that I won't do it again, get over it, and move on with our lives."

Not only is "my bad" grammatically incorrect, it's a flippant apology.



My Overused Words and Phrases

Just to be fair, here are some words and phrases I catch myself using a lot...

* Otherwise
* For example
* For some reason
* I dunno
* I guess
* I think
* In general
* People
* Probably
* Something like that
* Tend
* Well


Some words are used heavily because it's HARD find a substitute for perfectly good words that convey the right meaning or tone. Other words are difficult to give up because they're so comfortably ingrained in our habits.



Is it just me or do others as well hate the phrases "that being said,..." and "having said that..."?.


How about "issue"? I've heard people say, "My car has an issue," "My life is full of issues," "This computer is full of issues," and more, ad nauseum. Pleeeze! I always feel myself blushing with embarrassment when I'm with someone who talks like this, because it screams, "I want to sound intelligent and serious and hip," but to me it sounds pretentious, ignorant group-talk. I really have an issue with this one.


This is on my all-time list of banned phrases: 'Moving forward' (during some dumb meeting). Usually you say something that may or may not be on topic and the 'team leader' (hhah!) will cut you of and say "Mmoooving forward... " as if to tell you and your co-workers, "I really don't care what you said". It's just plain rude and plants the seeds of (well deserved) resentment.


How about this one? "To be perfectly honest with you".. As if they normally lie to you? Or how about "on the same page." That one just simply feels like fingernails on the chalkboard to me. Thanks for the look at the funny way language is used.


Or this one? "I need to wrap my mind around it." It''s getting old (just like the cliche "it's getting old)...LOL! I guess some cliches are just in our bloodstream.


Some folks use the phrase "Not to interrupt" to interrupt people while they are talking... which drives me crazy. I think it is rude and shows bad manners. On top of that they also say "Not to change the subject.." and then change the subject....

A few more that I hate -

that's what I'm saying...they aren't saying it.

I see what you're saying...complete gibberish, makes no sense at all.

I'm all about...are you that simple??

110%...impossible, everything tops out at 100%!!!

Would you, dear reader, care to contribute?

That being said, I'm outta here!