Saturday, February 26, 2011

Like Comparing Knight and Day At The Roundtable

I want to share these “funniest analogies” with you. They came in an e-mail from a good friend. She got them from a cousin, who got them from a friend, who got them from… so they are circulating around. My apologies if you have already seen them.

The e-mail says they are taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


I immediately replied, “Thanks for the list. It made me laugh like someone who had read something really funny.”

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Have You Played Scrabble Lately?

I had occasion recently to play a couple of games of Scrabble. Of course, it piqued my interest and I went hunting. Here is some of what I found.

Even though it’s a word game, the real story behind SCRABBLE® Brand Crossword Game is numbers. One hundred million sets sold world-wide. Between one and two million sold each year in North America. And, of keen interest to legions of passionate players, over 120,000 words that may be used in their scoring arsenal.

The story of the game’s evolution from underground craze to cultural icon is as American as, well, the SCRABBLE game. Alfred Mosher Butts, an out-of-work architect from Poughkeepsie, New York, decided to invent a board game. Analyzing games, he found they fell into three categories: number games, such as dice and bingo; move games, such as chess and checkers and word games, such as anagrams. Attempting to create a game that would use both chance and skill, Butts combined features of anagrams and the crossword puzzle. First called LEXIKO, the game was later called CRISS CROSS WORDS. To decide on letter distribution, Butts studied the front page of The New York Times and did painstaking calculations of letter frequency. His basic cryptographic analysis of our language and his original tile distribution have remained valid for almost three generations and billions of games played.

Established game manufacturers were unanimous in rejecting Butts’ invention for commercial development. Then Butts met James Brunot, a game-loving entrepreneur who became enamored of the concept. Together, they made some refinements on rules and design and, most importantly, came up with the name “SCRABBLE,” a real word which means “to grope frantically.” The game was trademarked SCRABBLE® Brand Crossword Game in 1948. The Brunots rented an abandoned schoolhouse in Dodgington, Connecticut, where with friends they turned out 12 games an hour, stamping letters on wooden tiles one at a time. Later, boards, boxes and tiles were made elsewhere and sent to the factory for assembly and shipping.

CRISS CROSS WORDS, an early version of the SCRABBLE game, featured a gameboard made of architectural blueprint paper glued onto an old chess board.

The first four years were a struggle. In 1949 the Brunots made 2,400 sets and lost $450. As so often happens in the game business, the SCRABBLE game gained slow but steady popularity among a comparative handful of consumers. Then in the early 1950s, as legend has it, the president of MACY’S discovered the game on vacation and ordered some for his store. Within a year, everyone “had to have one” to the point that SCRABBLE games were being rationed to stores around the country.

In 1952, the Brunots realized they could no longer make the games fast enough to meet the growing interest. They licensed Long Island-based Selchow & Righter Company, a well-known game manufacturer founded in 1867, to market and distribute the games in the United States and Canada.

Even Selchow & Righter had to step up production to meet the overwhelming demand for the SCRABBLE game. As stories about it appeared in national newspapers, magazines and on television, it seemed that everybody had to have a set immediately. In 1972, Selchow & Righter purchased the trademark from Brunot, thereby giving the company the exclusive rights to all SCRABBLE® Brand products and entertainment services in the United States and Canada.

In 1986, Selchow & Righter was sold to COLECO Industries, who had become famous as the manufacturers of the Cabbage Patch Dolls. Three years later, COLECO declared bankruptcy, and its primary assets — most notably the SCRABBLE game and ParchesiTM — were purchased by Hasbro, Inc., owner of Milton Bradley Company, the nation’s leading game company.

Today the game is found in one of every three American homes, ranging from a Junior edition to a CD-ROM with many versions in between including: Standard, Deluxe with turntable, Deluxe Travel, Spanish and French.

Competitive SCRABBLE game play is widely popular much in the manner of chess and bridge. Every year, a National SCRABBLE® Championship is held in a major US city, and on alternate years the World SCRABBLE® Championship is hosted between Hasbro and Mattel. In addition, the National SCRABBLE® Association sanctions over 180 tournaments and more than 200 clubs in the US and Canada.

The next generation of SCRABBLE players is steadily growing with over a half million kids playing the game in more than 18,000 schools nationwide through the School SCRABBLE Program. Hundreds of these students currently compete in state and regional championships across the country. The first annual National School SCRABBLE® Championship was held in Boston on April 26, 2003. Classrooms can also subscribe to the School SCRABBLE® News which includes a teacher edition complete with tested ideas and a lesson plan designed to meet nationally mandated educational goals, and a student issue chock full of feature stories and puzzles.

Alfred Mosher Butts enjoyed playing the SCRABBLE game with family and friends to the end of his life. He passed away in April 1993 at the age of 93



Strange Words Used in Scrabble Defined

From Qi to Kat, Advanced Scrabble Words Given Meaning


When one first plays scrabble, many of the words a more skilled opponent uses seem questionable. Here are a selection of those words that come into question.

Any scrabble player knows that having a strong vocabulary is essential for victory. But often the words used in game are archaic, or one may encounter words that are rarely, if ever, used in the English language. Words like qi, qat, suq, and xi can be big point-earners on the scrabble board, but use them in a conversation and the response is likely to be a blank stare.

So, for anyone who has ever played a game of scrabble, especially online, and been flummoxed by some of the words used: A list of commonly used scrabble words and their definitions, as defined by dictionary.com.

2 Letter Scrabble Words, Defined

Aa (noun)- “basaltic lava having a rough surface.”

Ai (noun)- “a three-toed sloth, Bradypus tridactylus, inhabiting forests of southern Venezuela, the Guianas, and northern Brazil, having a diet apparently restricted to the leaves of the trumpet-tree, and sounding a high-pitched cry when disturbed.”

Qi(noun)- a derivative of Ch’i, “The vital force believed in Taoism and other Chinese thought to be inherent in all things. The unimpeded circulation of chi and a balance of its negative and positive forms in the body are held to be essential to good health in traditional Chinese medicine.”

Xi (noun)- “the 14th letter of the Greek alphabet.”
3 Letter Scrabble Words, Defined

Suq (noun)- “A market, or part of a market, in an Arab city.”

Kat (noun)- “An evergreen shrub, Catha edulis, of Arabia and Africa, the leaves of which are used as a narcotic when chewed or made into a beverage.”

An alternate spelling of Kat is Qat. Both work.


4 or More Letter Scrabble Words, Defined

Ogive (noun)- “1. Architecture. a. a diagonal vaulting rib. b. a pointed arch. 2. Statistics. the distribution curve of a frequency distribution. 3. Rocketry. the curved nose of a missile or rocket.

Teiid (noun)- “any of a large group of chiefly tropical New World lizards of the family Teiidae, as the racerunner, caiman lizard, or whiptail, characterized by large rectangular scales on the belly and a long tail.”

Maqui (noun)- “an evergreen shrub, Aristotelia chilensis, of Chile, having toothed, oblong leaves, greenish-white flowers, and purple berries, grown as an ornamental in S California.”

Jupon (noun)- “a close-fitting tunic, usually padded and bearing heraldic arms, worn over armor.”

Naos (noun, plural)- “a temple.”

Baobabs (noun)- “any large tree belonging to the genus Adansonia, of the bombax family, esp. A. digitata, which is native to tropical Africa, has an exceedingly thick trunk, and bears a gourdlike fruit.”

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Just A Few Jokes For Today

When I was in High School, my English teacher looked my way and said, "Name two pronouns."

I said, "Who, me?"

*****

Teacher: "Stan, give me a sentence beginning with I."
Stan: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, Stan. It's always 'I am...' "
Stan: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*****

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." Someone, who shall remain nameless, piped up from the back of the room, "Yeah, right."

*****

Don't you know the Queen's English?

Why, yes, I'd heard she was.

*****

This isn't really a grammar joke but it's about language.

A girl walked into a bar and said to the guy who was serving, 'I'll have a double entendre, please.'

So he gave her one.

*****

An English professor wrote the following sentence on the blackboard and asked the students to add correct punctuation: "woman without her man is a savage"

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote: "Woman: without her, man is a savage."

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Oops!

Back on February 2 I posted that I thought I may have invented a new word. Insomniate. Perhaps engaging in or being personally involved with insomnia?

I also included this in that post - Yes, I did go to Merriam-Webster to check. This is what they had to say -

insomniate

The word you've entered isn't in the dictionary.

It turns out that I should have looked further. I recieved the following email the other day.


Stan,

Insomniate is in the OED. See below

I like your blog. I found it via Schott's Vocab.

Dave Goudy
Port Orchard WA

† in'somniate, v. Obs.
[irreg. f. L. in- (in-2) + sommus sleep + -ate3.]
trans. To put to sleep.
a1657 R. Loveday Lett. (1663) 267 A Mercurial Caducæus to insomniate the Argus-eyes of jealous people!

I am embarrassed to say that it never crossed what passes for my mind to check the OED!

Lesson learned.

I will leave you now with a smirkle on my face. Perhaps that may be a new word? A combination of a smirk and a chuckle?

By the way...No exact results found for "smirkle" in the Oxford dictionary. This is what the search results revealed -

"Did you mean smirkily?

Did you mean smirk?

Did you mean smirked?

Did you mean smirker?

Did you mean smirkier?

And...Smirkle, it turns out, isn't in the free Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, where you just searched."

I was also thinking of sniggle (a combination of snort and giggle) and a combination of chortle and guffaw, but I couldn't decide between guffortle and choffaw. Maybe I will just leave them to wander around the Word Farm for a bit.

All this because I seek to become more flatulent in my native language.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Five Fascinating Words

Here are five fascinating words for your pleasure. If you have seen the TV dcommercial "Show me the carfax!", you may be in for a small surprise!


Carfax, n (Latin quadrifurcus, four-forked)

A place where four roads meet; an intersection of main roads at the center of a town. Despite its appearance, it has nothing to do with cars or faxes, but is an anglicisation of the older Latin term.


Phrontistery, n (Greek phrontisterion, from phrontistes a thinker, from phroneein to think)

A thinking-place; a place for study. I simply had to include 'phrontistery' on this list. It was first used by Aristophanes to apply to the school of Socrates, and was somewhat mocking in tone. A peculiar (and under-used) term, let's reclaim it for thinking people everywhere. No other term is synonymous, and its intellectual if pompous sound merely adds to its charm.


Tregetour, n (Old French tresgetour, from tresgeter, from Latin trans across and jetere to throw)

A juggler, trickster or deceiver. Originally used to describe a type of jester or juggler, tregetour, though now archaic, eventually came to mean someone who uses cunning tricks to deceive others (sometimes but not limited to stage performances). A useful poetic word for a magician, but also a more pleasant-sounding name for a huckster or con man. Or politician?


Almacantar, n (Arabic almuqantarat, the sundials)

A circle of altitude, parallel to the horizon. An astronomical term, used to describe imaginary lines in the sky by which an astronomer determines the height of a star in the sky relative to the horizon. Many Arabic loanwords to English begin with the prefix "al", which in Arabic simply means "the".


Zetetic, adj or n (Greek zetetikos, from zeteein to seek)

Proceeding by inquiry; a search or investigation; a skeptical seeker of knowledge. A term originally used to refer to Pyrrhonists, a group of ancient Greek skeptics, it has come to mean both the process of inquiry and one who so proceeds. A zetetic is thus a sort of intellectual agnostic who, while seeking greater truths, is always wary of falsehood.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

How Insulting!

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language and comedy and wit got dumbed down to 4-letter words. I received these in an email from a good friend. Thank you, Lee!



The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend .... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Which Is Correct?

I was thinking about old, familiar proverbs the other day. But I ran into a quandary - they can be a tad confusing!

Which is correct?

Actions speak louder than words. <----> The pen is mightier than the sword.

Knowledge is power. <----> Ignorance is bliss.

Look before you leap. <----> He who hesitates is lost.

A silent man is a wise one. <----> A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. <----> Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man. <----> Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. <----> Better safe than sorry.

Money talks. <----> Talk is cheap.

The only thing constant is change. <----> The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Two heads are better than one. <----> If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Many hands make light work. <----> Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Great minds think alike. <----> Fools seldom differ.

Birds of a feather flock together. <----> Opposites attract.

The bigger, the better. <----> The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. <----> Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be. <----> Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.<----> Forewarned is forearmed.

With age comes wisdom. <----> Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier. <----> Two's company; three's a crowd.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Short Post - A New Word?

I think I invented a new word last night.

I was physically tired as we went to bed but my mind was stirring around all over the place. I told Judy that I would be quiet and shut off the TV so I would not disturb her. Then I said, "I'll just lay here and insomniate. Who knows? Maybe I 'll think of a new word."

Insomniate?

Perhaps engaging in or being personally involved with insomnia?

So, the next time you find yourself insomniating you could use the time to invent a new word!

insomniate

Yes, I did go to Merriam-Webster to check. This is what they had to say -

insomniate

The word you've entered isn't in the dictionary. Click on a spelling suggestion below or try again using the search bar above.

1. insinuate
2. insanity
3. Masonite
4. maisonette
5. insomnia
6. insolent
7. insensate
8. insolation

Hmmmm insanity......