Good Ole Tom Swift

A Tom Swifty is a Wellerism in which an adverb relates both properly and punningly to a sentence of reported speech. This is no doubt easier to see from some examples -


“I manufacture table tops,” said Tom counterproductively.
“Who discovered radium?” asked Marie curiously.
“Just parsley, sage and rosemary,” said Tom timelessly.
“This sea-spray will ruin all the metal-work,” said Tom mistrustfully
“I can’t tell you how much it resembles a table,” said Tom veritably.
“Show no mercy killing the vampire,” said Tom painstakingly.
“It keeps my hair in place,” said Alice with abandon.


The quip takes its name from Tom Swift, a boy's adventure hero created by the prolific American writer Edward L. Stratemeyer. Under the pseudonym Victor Appleton, he published a series of books featuring the young Tom Swift. Tom Swift rarely passed a remark without a qualifying adverb as "Tom added eagerly" or "Tom said jokingly". The play on words discussed here arose as a pastiche of this, coming to be known by the term Tom Swifty.



Please feel free to email me your examples. Here are a few of my favorites. (Why do these seem to arrive in my mind at 2am?)



"GM went bankrupt so I bought a Honda." Tom said of his own accord.


"Get to the back of the boat!" Tom said sternly.


"Alright, I'll give you back the pick-up I borrowed", said Tom, truculently.


“ Today is D-Day", said Ike to Norm and Dee.


"I refuse to change the title of my film--it will be called Feline Chainsaw Massacre" Tom said categorically.


"That is an Irish conifer," Tom opined.


"I'll just have to kill the king," Reggie sighed.


And three of my all-time favorites - let the last one roll deliciously through your mind.


"May I have this dance?" Fred asked gingerly.


"I get to read 'Ulysses' again!" Tom rejoiced.


"She's got my photo in her locket," said Tom independently.

Money Well Spent

I am always amazed at the things people study I am more amazed at countries that spend significant sums of money to accomplish these studies.

Case in point - The following is an actual study.


The Study: Do Herring Communicate by Passing Gas Study


Conducted By: Canada and Britain



Two teams carried out this research project. One studied Pacific herring in Bamfield, British Columbia, while the other focused on Atlantic herring in Oban, Scotland. It was discovered that the Atlantic and Pacific herring create a mysterious underwater noise. It turns out that the high-frequency sound was created by releasing air from their butts. The noise was always accompanied by a fine stream of bubbles. Researchers suspect herring hear the bubbles as they’re expelled, helping the fish form protective shoals at night. (Herring hearing must be very sharp!)

Interesting Fact: Researchers named the phenomenon Fast Repetitive Tick, which makes for a rather interesting acronym, FRT. Scientists say unlike the human version, these FRTs are thought to bring the fish closer together.

Weighty Stuff

Washington DC:


US taxpayers were seen installing assorted weightlifting eqipment in the White House, between the bowling alley, the basketball court and the E-Z Bake Oven.


With these additions the weightlifting room will contain the latest in barbell equipment (dumbbell is not politically correct) that ranges from lightweight to heavyweight training gear. The circular weights at the end of each beam have embossed pictures of politicians on their faces. A six step program has been designed specifically for President Obama.


1. At the start of a workout a warm-up session will employ the lightweight Nancy Pelosi/Harry Reid hand-held dumbbells. At the completion of the warm-up, these are easily tossed aside.


2. Next in the order is the Ann Coulter/Bill O'Reilly dumbbell that gets the blood moving or boiling.


3. The Rush Limbaugh/Michael Steele dumbbell provides stress or comic relief, depending on the angle of use, prior to some serious heavy lifting.


4. The Barack Obama/Dick Cheney dumbbell provides for some real heavy lifting on critical national security issues. The Barack Obama/Senate Republicans dumbbell provides the same heavy lifting for domestic issues.


5. The workout is finished by employing the National Debt dumbbell, which so far has been unmovable by any president (even with help from his cabinet and/or party) and is getting heavier with each passing day.


6. At the end of a workout a cool down session employs the Joe Biden hand grips for further stress relief. However, losing one's grip on the Biden dumbbell has been known to occur. Duct tape, appled in the proper location, might solve this problem.


The president's personal trainer, Uncle Sam, has provided assurances that after four years of this exercise regimen a grey haired, but muscular, Barack may emerge as the new "Terminator." But one cannot tell, at this early stage, just where those muscles will develop. However, if Republican directors take over the room in two years, all bets are off.

An Extraordinary Performance

I am not one for "reality TV" but my daughter, Debbie, sent me this link. It is from the TV show "Britain's Got Talent" and it just amazed me. If you ever feel like you are really good at something or people don't think much of you...just take a look here -


Susan Boyle



And I so love the accent!!

Thinking About Vegetables

After thinking while I was drifting off to sleep last night I looked up some quotes on vegetables. I found our old friend Anon had some words to offer, along with some other folks.



“A vegetable garden in the beginning looks so promising and then after all little by little it grows nothing but vegetables, nothing, nothing but vegetables.” - Gertrude Stein


“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” Anon


“Please understand the reason why Chinese vegetables taste so good. It is simple. The Chinese do not cook them, they just threaten them!” - Anon


“CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.” - Ambrose Bierce


“A vegetable garden in the beginning looks so promising and then after all little by little it grows nothing but vegetables, nothing, nothing but vegetables.” - Gertrude Stein


“An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.” - Will Rogers


Just some food for thought............

Spoonerisms - Part 2

Back in January we posted a spoonerism story - Beeping Sleuty. If you remember...


In the 1930s and 1940s, F. Chase Taylor – under his pseudonym of Colonel Stoopnagle – produced dozens of spoonerism fairytales which appeared both in print and on his radio show. The original ones were printed in the Saturday Evening Post and he eventually published a collection of the stories in 1946 – a book which is now sadly out of print and much sought after.


How about another? OK!! Here we go...


Goldybear and the Three Locks



Once a time upon, long before there were beddy tares, there lived in a far wood away, the bear threes. There was the boppa pear, the bomma mare, and the little bearby babe.

Now, this gramily of fizzlies hived lappily for a tong, tong, lime, weep in the doods, in a little louse made out of hogs. Things were fine until one morning when they sat down to pour their eatage. You see, the bother mare said, "My porridge is hoo tot!"

And the bother mare pasted her torrage and said, "This is har foo tot!" And the bittle laby bear said, "My porrige is head rot, fike a lurnace!" So the bear threes decided to go for a long woods in the walk, to let their corridge pool.

Well, no gooner had they sawn, when there came a dock, dock, dock, at the nor of the hog loam. And you know who that was? Right! Loldygocks. And she was looking for a plesting race. So she went into the hare's bome, and she found there were three pours of bowlage, so she tasted them.

Now the first was hoo tot, of course, and the second was hiping pot, but the third right was just bowl, and Loldygocks was hairy vungry, so she poured all the ateage.

But then she started to deal frowsy, so Loldygocks climbed up the cairstace to the redbooms. When she got there, she saw there were bee little threads.

Now, the birst fed was hoo tard. And the becond sed was soo toft. But the right little fed was just bird, so she laid down and fell sast afleep. In fact, she snarted to store. (Snort!)

Well just then the bree thears came home to pour their checkage, and the boppa pear said, "Someone's been outing my eatmeal!", and the bother mare said, " Someone's been pouring my eatage!", and the bearby babe said, "Hey, someone's been grampling my sanola!"

Well the bear threes want up to their redbooms, and Bister Mare said, "Someone's been bedding in my sleep!", and the bother mare said, "Someone's been beeping in my sled!", and the little bearby babe said, "Someone's been cruising in my snib, and there she is!"

Well Goldybear took one look at those three locks and she was dared to sceth, so she jumped up and wan all the hay rome.

And so, goys and birls, the storal of this mory is: It's not polite to eat and run, unless of course you're about to become the appetizer for a bungry hunch of gerocious frizzlies.

Truly Playing In The Word-Farm

Recently I asked my family and friends to share family phrases, linguistic foibles, childhood mispronunciations carried forward into adult life.

The suggestions that I gave from my own life were -

"Cheap Seats" - When my wife and I are watching a baseball or basketball game in the living room and the hour is getting late we will "hit the cheap seats" - get in bed and watch the rest of the game there.

"Barfle Duster" - When I was a child my Mom would tell me to go clean my room. If I did a poor job of it she would accuse me of using the "Barfle Duster" to clean the room. Eventually the phrase became "Go clean your room. And the Barfle Duster stays in the closet!".

The answers came flooding in and often left me laughing hysterically. This truly is Playing In The Word-Farm!!

Readers may judge for themselves which entries deserve to wear The Hoffer Hat of Linguistic Awesomeness. I am truly grateful to all who replied - it was a wonderful exercise!

Here, unedited, are the results of my query.

my dad says 'geedunk' which means junk foody snack or anything else that is unhealthy and very delicious. "I'm going to the store, you want a geedunk?" I think it's a term he picked up in the navy, so it might not work.

my husband has his own word for junk foody snack of delicious doom... "I've got the fungries." That means he wants to eat for fun.

Foofoos = (noun) the little ball-like pieces of lint that attach to ones clothing or material and you can't get them off without pulling them off. As in, "Since I've washed my shirt with the towels, now I have foofoos all over my shirt."

Duhn, Duhn is our word for guitar, cause it goes duhn duhn.

When Rob was little, he couldn't say, "Double Decker Bus." He always said, "Buckle Deckle Bus." So did we, from then on. He also said, instead of saying, "That took me by surprise," "That one hit me sideways." So from then on, even a surprise party was a party that "Hit us sideways."

'you big stupe' for doing something stupid. 'jesus mary and joseph' by my very RCC grandmolther when frustrated lol

my sisters and I would challenge each other with “Upper-upper”. This meant a contest to see which hard-boiled egg would crack first when tapped together. You won it if the other’s did.

schalooza - as in, “I’m feeling kind of schalooza” -you want to eat something, but you don’t know what you want to eat.

In our family, if the conversation borders on gossip someone will inevitably stage whisper, "And they say her stomach was biggern' a watermelon!" Everybody cracks up and the topic changes.

Well, hubby calls me "ralph"...from TV commercial about Uncle Ralphie and something about some cereal, I think....

“Going shopping on mom’s dresser” was used by me and my sisters whenever we would sneak into our parents’ bedroom and borrow jewelry to wear on a date.

COITH is a word uttered to compliment or brag. It means freshly bathed or showered, and it translates: Cleanest One In The House.

Cream of Refrigerator Soup - leftovers.

Mustgo Stew. Everything in the fridge must go! Seems this was the meal when ever mom was cleaning the fridge or getting ready for yet another move!

The Odditorium - Our attached mother-in-law apartment.

kabeebahs: any small, usually unidentifiable particles, such as when you clean a wall with a sponge, there will be some kabeebahs left behind.

My wife and I have cats, but got bored discussing plain old “cats”, so we came up with new words: purzles, furzlers, purfurzles, fruzzles, purzelators, or just the stratocatsters.

TWIGA - that which is going around - the pediatrician’s word for whatever virus was making its rounds through the school. Closely related to MOTW - Malaise Of The Week.

Airplane - as in “Don’t bother explaining it; to him, its an airplane” - something that goes right over the other person’s head.

“The ‘O’ in Devon” = a non-existent place from a family vacation of my growing up years when my mother tried to direct us to a town which turned out not to exist because it wasn’t a town but the “o” in the name of a county superimposed on the map.

Peekapocker - helicopter

Parthenon - outhouse at the family weekend place.

My mom is great at coming up with new phrases the family now uses. For example, “shovelling the rug” is vacuuming – same physical action, same clean walking surface, different implement. She also was the first to “rent a chicken,” or buy a cooked rotisserie chicken from the deli. She would also "drown the dishes" after dinner.

Ghost poop - packing peanuts

“they’re in the pasture Hyacinth” – taken from the BBC show "Keeping up Appearances". “Mind the cows Richard!”. “They’re in the pasture Hayacinth” “Yes, but *mind* them!” Usually said in response to a wholly unnecessary warning. (i.e. “Mind the fire, it’s hot” - “They’re in the pasture Hyacinth!”)

in our family, a shirt can be worn ‘tucked in’ or ‘tucked out’.

“The acolyte” — A family pet who has an unreasonably worshipful attitude toward one particular family member.

Going to listen to the mattress - Taking a nap. Also - "kissing the fluffy marshmallow."

Slurg - the name for those ghastly brown chunks of frozen slush that form behind a car’s wheels. From slush + iceberg, which they resemble in shape.

pifflehead: a dope, an idiot, someone who does something dumb.

Pididdle - said when you see a car with one headlight out.

“See you in the soup” – good night

purrcolating – sound a very happy cat makes when purring enthusiastically.

“You’ve got great icing, but you haven’t got a cake!” - My mother, upset that we’d redecorated our room rather than clean it.

lo-lo’s: left-over left-overs in the fridge, or a meal that still isn’t gone after the 3, 4, 5 day. mystery mounds: lo-lo’s assembled for a meal, usually on a fri night.

"Show Murphy the door!" - Usually shouted in exasperation when a simple job turns complicated. (Murphy's Law)

Changing the light bulb- Bathroom light burned out, stood on toilet to change it, toilet rocked, tightened it and bolt stripped out, removed toilet and found flange loose, tried to replace flange and saw that pipe was cracked, needed jack hammer to chip out slab to replace pipe. So now we refer to any project that grows as : Changing the light bulb.

tanjewberrymuch and lubjewberrymush

Kinda silly and plain..but when we're at the motocross races......we sometimes will buy or make a MotoMuffin. Bacon/egg/cheeese on an english muffin.(or sausage)...

Feeding the sewer trout - flushing the toilet.

ditwods - dit wauds drivers in traffic with out driving skills - (something I encounter daily).

Driving the porcelan bus - Vomiting so bad that you sit in front of the toilet and wrap your arms around it to hang on.

birdie bread — stale bread and crusts no one will eat.

Sock Dropper - A particularly violent sneeze.

procrappinating = taking a long time in the bathroom.

“It’s All Full of Dark” = something that’s been left outside overnight.

Gesnicklefritz - gesundheit.

A mopine is a dishtowel. Also, we called an apron a “Guanawatza”.

bug-a-hum: the vacuum cleaner, washashumshum: washing machine, wait-and-see-pudding: the answer to “What’s for dessert?”

“Go get me something to hit you with!” According to family legend my aunt was so mad at one of her kids she screamed that and got even madder when all of the kids collapsed in laughter at her. Now we use it when somebody is being unreasonably lazy or difficult.

“Left-handed smoke shifter” - Whenever the extended family camps out, and the smoke starts blowing in someone’s face, the inevitable question is, “Did anybody remember the left-handed smoke shifter?”.

“Flug”- the lint in the bottom of your pockets. “Gnarble”- the other useless stuff in the bottom of your pockets

My Dad had a phrase that he would use if we said or wrote something was was convoluted. He would say: “Throw me down the stairs a broom.” We quickly understood what he was getting at, and got his message. I’ve enjoyed using the same phrase with my kids for the same reason.

Our children developed “updoors” and “downdoors” as very logical parallels to indoors and outdoors.

We do have a word nabo, which is an alert to the presence of a good looking guy. We still use that word in every day conversations with each other even though we don't hang out and nudge the other and say it anymore. NABO stands for "not a bad one"

My aunt and I say "Coz o you" to each other. It started when I blamed her for something when I was about 10 or so. I dont even know what was "her fault". When she heard the sort of new song "Because of You" it made her think of me. lol

I have a mischievious family (on moms side) They came up with saying "Get a job" whenever they saw someone riding a bike. It morphed into "Get a gog".

My husband and I have a word "rut roh" like what scooby doo says, only it doesn't mean uh oh. It's what we say when we end up getting a parking spot in closest to the building. It means 'front row'.

My husband has always used the word "hutcher" to mean a bad, mean, horrible person. lol

And last, but definitely not least - Of the 74 replies received, 51 of them had some reference to "passing gas"!?!

prump, boof, wilbur, plut, foof, spoofy, queef, phoozer, parp, beef, boompse, knicker ripper, Bronx Cheer, Cockney Cheer, I burped my bottom!, bruff bark, barking spider, ducking gopher, Sparky sputter, Tushie Burp, speefle-tweezer, oofanokie, Stepping on a frog, Shoot a bunny, boup soup, Was that an angel I heard?, talking behind your back, wiffle-wafting, backdoor fog, pocket fog, musky turnip, shooting the pursuit, rumpies, pot-shots, dropping a hint, the missing puzzle piece, crop dusting, cushion creeper, barking backwards, freep, frit, great big flowery woof woof, Sir Launchaloaf, trouser trumpet, tanker, Tommy Squeaker, soup cooler, pyroclastic flow, paint peeler, inflating the air mattress (If done between the sheets), southerly wind, morning thunder, cutting the cheese, stepping on a toad, cutting loose, air bubble, gassers, stinkers, puffers, politics as usual, Global Warming, whisper of death, brocoli's revenge, loose floor boards, another county heard from, secret ballot, buzz-saw backfire, backdoor thaw, air biscuits, elephant fly-by, and low-flying ducks and geese.

And there just had to be the theological reference - Luke 12:55 - "And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, there will be heat; and it cometh to pass".

Does Anyone Edit Anymore?

Just a quick note today.

Last night we were watching "NCIS" on channel 3 (WFSB - Hartford, CT) when a crawl appeared at the bottom of the screen. It was information of the coming switch to a digital signal for all TV's using only antenae for reception. The message informed the reader of possible reception trouble areas in surrounding counties and states. It detailed, among others, Litchfield County, Windham County etc.

What shocked me and got me laughing hysterically was when "Road Island" appeared in the crawl!

Then it dawned on me. This was probably the work of the station's Roads Scholar.

When God Created The Cat

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."


And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."


And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.


And it was a good animal.


And God was pleased.


And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."


And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."


And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.


And they were comforted.


And God was pleased.


And dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."


And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."


And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And cat would not obey them.


And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.


And Adam and Eve learned humility.


And they were greatly improved.


And God was pleased.


And Dog was happy.


And Cat curled up and took a nap.

Sugar Coated crap?

I’m truly sorry for the title, but it says what I think about this succinctly. I tried half a dozen variations and kept coming back to the one word.


There are days when I think I just won’t see anything more stupid in this global warming paranoid world. Then, yesterday brought a new surprise drifting in on the winds of stupidity. Domino now offers Carbon Free Sugar! Let me repeat that. Carbon Free Sugar - certified even.


If you can remember back to your high school chemistry class then you might remember this simple and irrefutable truth: sugar contains carbon.


There is no getting around that. Don’t believe me? Try frying up some sugar in a sauce pan and watch the results. Or just pick up a used mass spectrometer on Ebay and run an analysis.


Or just consult any number of chemical handbooks. Sucrose is common table sugar and has the chemical formula: C12H22O11


Looks like twelve atoms of carbon combined with eleven molecules of H2O to me!! That must be why it is called (drum roll please) a carbohydrate!


Eating and digesting sugar turns it into water and carbon dioxide that we exhale, so for it to be truly “carbon free” as the label says, we have to get those twelve molecules of Carbon out of there. So how do they get the carbon out of that sucrose anyway? It’s really easy, all we need is what is known as a catalyst.


Reacting sucrose with sulfuric acid (H2SO4) dehydrates the sucrose and forms the element carbon, as demonstrated in the following chemical equation:



C12H22O11 + H2SO4 (as catalyst) ---> 12 C + 11 H2O



I apologize if I have the symbols wrong for a chemical reaction but the elements are correct.


So assuming they get the acid out of the mix, we are left with some pure carbon and a bunch of water. Yummm! Perfect for cereal in the morning!


Maybe I’m being a bit extreme and I do realize the idea is to promote a carbon neutral production of sugar.


But really, couldn’t the marketing people at Domino realize how stupid this claim sounds? I’ll bet the guys at the Domino company labs are having a fit. I’d love to get copies of the emails that went flying when they learned of this one. Beakers were probably flying across the lab too. It would have been enough to curl Abby Sciutto's tattoos! Domino will surely be off like a herd of turtles to correct this.


But some companies will do anything to appear green these days, because they want to keep that “green footprint” high and that dreaded "carbon footprint" low or non-existant.


Ah, the sweet smell of success! Pardon me now while I get myself a glass of carbon-free sugar. With ice. (Before that melts in a frenzy of global warming.)

Our Staff

Anyone who writes a blog knows that it is not a one person job. There are many folks who toil behind the scenes to make each entry appear on your screen. Yet, of all the blogs I visit regularly, only a rare few ever credit these hard-working individuals.

Here at The Word Farm we appreciate all of those fine people. Here, then, is a presenatation of our hard-working, long-toiling and sometimes motley crew -

Director of Vengeance - Ewell Rudy Day

Seasonal Adjustment Disorder Specialist - Mahmoud S. Bleak

Icelandic Snowboarding Instructor - Soren Dekeester

Werewolf Studies Specialist - Harriet Knight

Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office - Dasha Chekhov

Airline Seat Tester - Wilma Butfit

Air-Quality Monitor - Carmine Dioxide

Air Traffic Controller - Ulanda U. Lucky

Alignment Inspector - Lou Segusi

Animal Control Officer - Turner Luce

Art Critic - Phyllis Steen

Art Critic II - Dot Snice

Assertiveness Training Coach - Lois Steem

Customer Care Representive - Kurt Reply

Auto Seat Tester - Fitz Matush

Biblical Scholar - Vera Lee Isay

Band Leader - Juan Anatou

British Doorman - Isaiah Olchap

Bunji Jumping Instructor - Hugo Furst

Caffeine Addiction Counselor - Bruno Moore

Ice Rink Manager - Sam Boney

Opera Critic - Barbara Seville

Child Care Provider - A. Hugh Nokitov

Childrens Menu Adviser - Bea Ferroni

Childrens Music Programmer - Al Lowetta

Climate Change Monitor - Jillian Here

Computer Hardware Specialist - C. Colin Backslash

Conservative Political Researcher - Eileen Tudor-Wright

Creative Director - Drew A. Blank

Credit Counselor - Max Stout

Criminal Justice Expert - Lauren Order

Curator of Car Collection - Rex Galore

Daylight Savings Time Manager - Konrad Adenauer

Director of Alpine Choir - O. Leo Lahey

Director of Deep Sea Research - Marianna Trench

Director of Global Warming - Nomar Winter

Director of Luxury Car Horns - Tony Blare

Director of Pavlovian Research - Isabelle Ringing

Director of Photography - Len Scapon

Director of Speed Bumps - SlowMeDown Milosevic

Director of Staff Bonuses - Holly Unlikely

Director of Standard Time - Red Auerbach

Director of Three Stooges Studies - Lee Eyeapoka

Director of Top Secret Strategy - Donatello Nobatti

Document Security Expert - Euripedes Upmann

Dog Trainer - Don Chase Katz

Door-to-Door Sales - Annie Von Holm

Drug Trials Specialist - Placebo Domingo

Emergency Preparedness Director - Ron Lykell

Evasive Driving Instructor - Vera Bruptly

Fact Checker - Ella Fynoe

Food Taster - Howard D. Burgers

French Vacation Specialist - April Lynn Parris

Proctologist - Cameron Diaz

Grammar Consultant - I.M. Shirley Wright

Head of Security - Barb Dwyer

Head of Working Mother Support Group - Erasmus B. Dragon

Insurance Agent - Heidi Ductible

Janis Joplin Biographer - Ian Bobby McGee

Jazz Coordinator - Bertha Deblues

Liaison to the Space Program - Roger Houston

Long-Distance Truck Driver - Etienne Wheeler

Luncheon Chef - Hannah Mia Cannatunna

Manager, Rebate Program - Wendy Pigsfly

Museum Guide - Desdamona Lisa

Official Spokesperson - Howie Vasive

Official Spokesperson - Lou Scannon

Ornithologist in Training - Luke A. Byrd

Philosopher - Wanda Y. Datso

Photographer - F. Stop Fitzgerald

Physics Graduate Student - Laura Vernersha

Proofreader - Erin Spelling

Reincarnation Expert - Diana Komback

Roman History Buff - Vinnie V. Divici

Route Planner - Oliver D. Map

Safari Planner - Sarah Anne Getty

Safety Officer - Fay Tality

Special Liaison to the Energy Commission - Tonya Lightsov

Staff Activities Coordinator - Dewey Hafta

Staff Barber - Buzz Wutsleftov

Staff Barber II - Les Offenbach

Staff Caterer - Edith Ann Weepe

Staff Chaplain - Neil Down

Staff Fact Checker - Neera Nuff

Wardrobe Consultant - Natalie Attired

Schott’s Vocab

I don't care much for shortened words like, vocab, convo, app and the like. But...

I’ve been enjoying "Schott’s Vocab", a new blog from the New York Times. It’s about words and word use. Word-nerd Ben Schott has a passion for “lexicographical trifles,” and is attempting to document language as it evolves, day-to-day. Today the blog is about the swine flu — just like every other piece of media in every paper everywhere. But Schott’s article isn’t about deaths, epidemiology, or where to get a SARS Guard; it’s about the language used to describe the current flu. Here’s a sample (minus a bunch of embedded links Schott uses to reference his sources):

Pork producers, for obvious reasons, also favor the (non-porcine) term Mexican flu; the European Union’s Health Commissioner Androulla Vassiliou has advocated (the already out-of-date) “novel flu“; and World Animal Health proposed (the curiously specific) “North American flu.”

The non-profit SaveCalifornia.com decided that what A (H1N1) needed was an alarmist prefix, and promptly re-branded the disease “killer Mexican flu.” British Professor John Oxford went one step further, warning that swine flu could combine with avian flu to form an “Armageddon virus.”

Satirical Web site The Spoof suggested that, to reassure tourists, the virus be called “Miss Piggy Flu” - which was disturbingly close to The Sun’s recent headline, “Piggies in The Muddle.”

Read the rest or check out the main Schott’s Vocab page for a great look at today’s words. It will be worth the look and it looks promising for future looks.

Is Punctuation Important?

You decide.


Consider these two letters...


Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria


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Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

New Element Discovered!!

A new element has been discovered and will soon be added to the Periodic Table.


The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 325 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 127 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 538. These 538 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.


Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.


Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.


Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.


Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Yet Another Disappointing Letter

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Litchfield County, Connecticut two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus Spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Sally Sylic Asid

Curator, Antiquities

Why I Loved England - Part 1

I was in the USAF and stationed in Britain from 1967 through 1971. I treasure my time over there. In this and future posts I wouyld like to share some of those times and some of the wonderful people I met over there. But for today - just a short post to perhaps whet your appetite.


I just love British humour. Yes, humour is spelled correctly here if you are on the other side of the pond.


Most Americans need to stay away from British humour. It will only confuse them and leave them still thirsty for some actual humour sadly lacking in their own diet. It has many of the characteristics of American humor except it is very subtly funny.


As an example -


From the Guardian: "Woman gives birth on London Underground, considers naming the child accordingly. Thankfully the station was Kingsbury and not Elephant and Castle."


Dear fellow Americans: You should know that right now British readers are probably laughing their arses off. Don't yet know what an arse even is? Anyway, the British don't really ever actually laugh their arses off. They only snicker inwardly. Sometimes their lips twitch once or twice, but that's pretty much the limit. I confess to the American malady of bursting out in fits of laughter.


So...having read that short piece, some questions come to mind.


How could a woman give birth "on" London if she is underground?


Is the funny part that London is underground? It isn't, right? I mean London isn't, right?


Why would anyone name a kid "Accordingly"?



She gave birth in the London Underground? Perhaps she should get her "tubes" tied?

Pithy Stuff

I am a collector of quotations. I have been ever since I learned to love writing.

I am particularly fond of what I like to call "pithy stuff". These short quotations can cover an unlimited variety of subjects: love, religion, politics, human nature, etc. What unites them is their ability to say more in one or two sentences than could be expressed in a thousand-word treatise. It's like being able to pour a gallon of coffee into a coffee cup.

They are superb examples of Mark Twain's famous dictum, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."

Any collection of pithy stuff must necessarily be biased in terms of what it includes and excludes. I make no apologies for my selections, only for the hundreds of other meritorious quotations I had to leave out. No one will agree with all these quotations; this was not their intention. You may even find some of them repugnant or outrageous. This was their intention. Remember - A conclusion often marks the place where a person got tired of thinking.

We seldom learn anything of value from what we already agree with. Only those ideas that grate on our nerves can open our minds. As with oysters, irritation can produce pearls. So if anything you are about to read annoys or shocks you, try to think clearly and dispassionately about what it is saying. You will either be confirmed in your current belief or shaken into re-examining it.

Either way, you win!

I have already mentioned Mark Twain, so I will begin with him. He offers such a treasure trove of witty, perceptive quotations that it would be almost unthinkable to start with anyone else.

Like all great authors, Mark Twain's books, essays, and other writings go far beyond geography. They are universal.

So In no particular order, here are his pithy stuff on a variety of subjects.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work.

When a person cannot deceive himself, the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.



Mark Twain is an almost inexhaustible source of pithy stuff. The quotations included here barely scratch the surface. Let me conclude with a comment by perhaps the only other source of pithy stuff more prolific. Our good friend from a previous post - Anon.



"Most of us prefer to disparage a person who is almost always right rather than asking why we ourselves are almost always wrong." - Anon.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your interminable efforts to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney and upper-class twit. You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2010) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $8/US gallon - get used to it).

12. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

One Reason I Love British Humor - Part 1

Swimming fish could be key to generating electricity for UK homes

Harnessing the power of swimming fish could hold the key to generating electricity to power Britain's homes in the future, according to Government scientists.

By Louise Gray, Environment CorrespondentLast Updated: 9:29PM BST 31 Mar 2009

The Environment Agency's Horizon Scanning Team found the nation's rivers are full of untapped energy in the form of fish migrating upstream.

By installing networks of electric prongs along the riverbed, the energy can be captured and fed into the National Grid.

Environmentalists welcomed the opportunity to not only generate clean energy but ensure rivers are maintained for wildlife.

However, there was concern that areas for fishing could be out of bounds in future and wildlife or even fishermen could be electrocuted by the prongs.

The project, codenamed 'Finetics', builds on Japanese technology that captures energy from people walking over pressure sensitive mats at train stations.

Research found that a typical salmon, which zips through waters at a top speed of 12 metres (40ft) per second, can over a 100m (330ft) stretch generate enough electricity to make 18 cups of tea, while the more shy rudd will only trigger enough power for three cups.

Multiplied many times over by the millions of fish that thrive in rivers and waters across England and Wales, the Environment Agency scientists estimate the amount of electricity generated could power around 30,000 homes a year.

Dr Andrea Pool, who heads up the Horizon Scanning team, said: "Initially we looked at working with sheep and cattle as well as fish, but it quickly became apparent that the energy-generating potential of fish far outweighed that of slow-moving grazing stocks. Plus, fish populations are the healthiest they have been as a result of huge improvements in water quality over the past two decades."

A three-month trial of the technology was conducted last summer at a secret location on the River Tees, which has seen salmon numbers increase to record highs. In that period enough electricity was generated to power a typical family home for a year.

Plans are now underway for a large scale trial over a year along the River Severn because it has such a strong tidal current which forces fish to move at optimum speeds as they swim upstream. This will help to ensure the technology can be rolled out across England and Wales in the future.
Gavin Roach, a world-leading specialist in green technologies based at the Université de Poisson d'Avril in Paris, who will monitor the forthcoming trials, said: "The Environment Agency team has made a very exciting breakthrough. Finetics clearly has the potential to create significant amounts of power by simply harnessing the power of nature."

However, campaign group Freedom for Fishermen said it was a potential danger to the four million people in the UK who fish as a hobby.

Tracking Down A Myth Behind A Legend

Usually when I climb into bed at night sleep does not come quickly. But I don't mind. In fact, I treasure that time. It is when my mind feels free to roam and wander through places usually lost in fog and clutter.

Last week, for example, I happened to wonder if some prognosticator who based his or her writings on odors wafting through the air would be named Nostrildamus. Would those writing have a basis in common scents? They certainly couldn't be considered nonscents now could they?

But last night I stumbled upon a truly perplexing question. I had been looking at lists of quotations recently and one name popped up quite regularly. No matter what subject was being expounded upon, this name was in the list. The question formed in my mind - "Who was Anon?"

Books of quotations are cluttered with sayings attributed to Anon, and these scraps of truth and wisdom have earned Anon universal recognition and immortality. Innumerable biographies have been written about lesser authors, even authors so obscure that their works are seldom read. But Anon, though widely read and widely quoted, has been accorded only widespread indifference. So complete has been the scholarly neglect of Anon that his name has become a synonym for "unknown." In spite of this, his works have stood the test of time, and he continues to be one of the most often quoted authors. Ibid is also frequently cited, but his works only seem to follow someone else's work rather than state something new.

Anon's work was considered immortal in all historical ages although we know that it is generally quite difficult for an author to achieve immortality in his own time.

Perhaps Anon inspired an ancient "school" of thinkers who later traveled far and wide disseminating his ideas? This may be true. Nobody knows. But then, he would, since Nobody knew Anon personally. Indeed, Nobody knew a lot of things which baffled everyone else. But the hypothesis that Nobody was a pupil of Anon is dubious, if true.

The historical problem is compounded by the timeless quality of Anon's work. His wisdom seems too old-fashioned for modern times, yet too advanced for ancient times. Either Anon was in the habit of living in the past, or anticipating the future. If so, it follows that he was probably neglected and unappreciated in his own age, and that could explain a lot.

Leaving these irrelevant questions aside, let us look at Anon's career. It can be divided into three distinct phases: the first, the second, and the third. That leaves only the problem of deciding into which phase to place each of Anon's works. This is especially troublesome for his posthumous works. Since we have no idea when Anon died, it's even a bit difficult to determine which of his works were posthumous.

We might at least hope to extract Anon's philosophy from those fragments of his genius which have trickled down to us through the sieve of history. It is a vain hope. While Anon wrote (or perhaps spoke) on many subjects, he had the infuriating habit of speaking on every side of every question. No consistent pattern emerges, but this is itself consistent with Anon's own observation that "Consistency is the curse of small minds." On yet another occasion he said, "Sticking consistently to any one position sooner or later leads to logical difficulties." Perhaps Anon merely wanted to ensure that all sides of every question be heard. Yet he expressed reservations about this approach, saying, "One who can see both sides of a question doesn't understand the question." Such remarks strongly suggest that Anon may be the true father of the disciplines of logic and philosophy.

To achieve a true appreciation of Anon's work we must first recognize that the inconsistencies and contradictions inherent or implied in his work do, in fact, represent the central, unifying theme of his philosophy.

One historian even goes so far as to suggest that all of Anon's works are forgeries of recent (19th century) origin, perpetrated by author Lewis Carroll (Charles Dodgson) writing under the pseudonym: E. M. Anon. When this name is read backwards it is seen to be an anagram of the kind Carroll loved to devise. This outrageous theory deserves to be rejected on its merits.

The name "Anon" is virtually unknown in any language, which suggests that Anon had no descendants. Perhaps Anon's family suffered from hereditary infertility. It's a well-known biological fact that if your parents had no children, it's very likely that you won't either.

Lest we be overawed by Anon's versatility, we should look at what he didn't do, for that demonstrates his discrimination and good taste. He never wrote an epic poem, a play, or an opera. He never wrote a best selling work of fiction, never wrote a textbook, and never edited an anthology. He left such enterprises to hacks and lesser intellects.

No painting or drawing bears the signature "Anon." No sculpture has "Anon" chiseled on its base. If he ever tried his hand at art, he apparently never signed his works.

For all of his output of serious sagacity, homely homilies, and profound pronouncements, Anon had a lighter side. In fact his output of jokes far exceeded the rest of his literary work. It is true that many of these jokes are off-color, but that has only enhanced their popularity. They are remembered and quoted verbatim by people who couldn't recite one line of "The Ancient Mariner." Anon knew that art is of no value without an audience, or as he put it so well, "'Tis better to be obscene than unheard."

So, a picture of Anon emerges: a witty, slightly cynical, philosopher of the people. He could sum up the essence of an idea in one pithy sentence. Though many others plagiarized his works, he never complained. He must have cared little for money, for there is no record that he was ever paid for any of his work.

Anon demonstrated that the best way to achieve recognition is by not seeking it. He was unconcerned about the judgment of posterity, for he said, "Be not obligated to posterity. What has posterity ever done for you? The critical judgment of posterity comes too late to be useful."

Of course any conclusions about Anon, the man, might have to be modified if it were shown that Anon was a woman. The true sex of Anon may be a matter of dispute among scholars, yet we have no reason to believe that Anon ever had the slightest concern about this question.

As usual, Anon had the first word on such speculations when he (or she) said, "Nothing stimulates outrageous theories so effectively as an absence of evidence."

Or sleepless nights?