Weighty Stuff

Washington DC:


US taxpayers were seen installing assorted weightlifting eqipment in the White House, between the bowling alley, the basketball court and the E-Z Bake Oven.


With these additions the weightlifting room will contain the latest in barbell equipment (dumbbell is not politically correct) that ranges from lightweight to heavyweight training gear. The circular weights at the end of each beam have embossed pictures of politicians on their faces. A six step program has been designed specifically for President Obama.


1. At the start of a workout a warm-up session will employ the lightweight Nancy Pelosi/Harry Reid hand-held dumbbells. At the completion of the warm-up, these are easily tossed aside.


2. Next in the order is the Ann Coulter/Bill O'Reilly dumbbell that gets the blood moving or boiling.


3. The Rush Limbaugh/Michael Steele dumbbell provides stress or comic relief, depending on the angle of use, prior to some serious heavy lifting.


4. The Barack Obama/Dick Cheney dumbbell provides for some real heavy lifting on critical national security issues. The Barack Obama/Senate Republicans dumbbell provides the same heavy lifting for domestic issues.


5. The workout is finished by employing the National Debt dumbbell, which so far has been unmovable by any president (even with help from his cabinet and/or party) and is getting heavier with each passing day.


6. At the end of a workout a cool down session employs the Joe Biden hand grips for further stress relief. However, losing one's grip on the Biden dumbbell has been known to occur. Duct tape, appled in the proper location, might solve this problem.


The president's personal trainer, Uncle Sam, has provided assurances that after four years of this exercise regimen a grey haired, but muscular, Barack may emerge as the new "Terminator." But one cannot tell, at this early stage, just where those muscles will develop. However, if Republican directors take over the room in two years, all bets are off.

An Extraordinary Performance

I am not one for "reality TV" but my daughter, Debbie, sent me this link. It is from the TV show "Britain's Got Talent" and it just amazed me. If you ever feel like you are really good at something or people don't think much of you...just take a look here -


Susan Boyle



And I so love the accent!!

Thinking About Vegetables

After thinking while I was drifting off to sleep last night I looked up some quotes on vegetables. I found our old friend Anon had some words to offer, along with some other folks.



“A vegetable garden in the beginning looks so promising and then after all little by little it grows nothing but vegetables, nothing, nothing but vegetables.” - Gertrude Stein


“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” Anon


“Please understand the reason why Chinese vegetables taste so good. It is simple. The Chinese do not cook them, they just threaten them!” - Anon


“CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.” - Ambrose Bierce


“A vegetable garden in the beginning looks so promising and then after all little by little it grows nothing but vegetables, nothing, nothing but vegetables.” - Gertrude Stein


“An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.” - Will Rogers


Just some food for thought............

Spoonerisms - Part 2

Back in January we posted a spoonerism story - Beeping Sleuty. If you remember...


In the 1930s and 1940s, F. Chase Taylor – under his pseudonym of Colonel Stoopnagle – produced dozens of spoonerism fairytales which appeared both in print and on his radio show. The original ones were printed in the Saturday Evening Post and he eventually published a collection of the stories in 1946 – a book which is now sadly out of print and much sought after.


How about another? OK!! Here we go...


Goldybear and the Three Locks



Once a time upon, long before there were beddy tares, there lived in a far wood away, the bear threes. There was the boppa pear, the bomma mare, and the little bearby babe.

Now, this gramily of fizzlies hived lappily for a tong, tong, lime, weep in the doods, in a little louse made out of hogs. Things were fine until one morning when they sat down to pour their eatage. You see, the bother mare said, "My porridge is hoo tot!"

And the bother mare pasted her torrage and said, "This is har foo tot!" And the bittle laby bear said, "My porrige is head rot, fike a lurnace!" So the bear threes decided to go for a long woods in the walk, to let their corridge pool.

Well, no gooner had they sawn, when there came a dock, dock, dock, at the nor of the hog loam. And you know who that was? Right! Loldygocks. And she was looking for a plesting race. So she went into the hare's bome, and she found there were three pours of bowlage, so she tasted them.

Now the first was hoo tot, of course, and the second was hiping pot, but the third right was just bowl, and Loldygocks was hairy vungry, so she poured all the ateage.

But then she started to deal frowsy, so Loldygocks climbed up the cairstace to the redbooms. When she got there, she saw there were bee little threads.

Now, the birst fed was hoo tard. And the becond sed was soo toft. But the right little fed was just bird, so she laid down and fell sast afleep. In fact, she snarted to store. (Snort!)

Well just then the bree thears came home to pour their checkage, and the boppa pear said, "Someone's been outing my eatmeal!", and the bother mare said, " Someone's been pouring my eatage!", and the bearby babe said, "Hey, someone's been grampling my sanola!"

Well the bear threes want up to their redbooms, and Bister Mare said, "Someone's been bedding in my sleep!", and the bother mare said, "Someone's been beeping in my sled!", and the little bearby babe said, "Someone's been cruising in my snib, and there she is!"

Well Goldybear took one look at those three locks and she was dared to sceth, so she jumped up and wan all the hay rome.

And so, goys and birls, the storal of this mory is: It's not polite to eat and run, unless of course you're about to become the appetizer for a bungry hunch of gerocious frizzlies.

Truly Playing In The Word-Farm

Recently I asked my family and friends to share family phrases, linguistic foibles, childhood mispronunciations carried forward into adult life.

The suggestions that I gave from my own life were -

"Cheap Seats" - When my wife and I are watching a baseball or basketball game in the living room and the hour is getting late we will "hit the cheap seats" - get in bed and watch the rest of the game there.

"Barfle Duster" - When I was a child my Mom would tell me to go clean my room. If I did a poor job of it she would accuse me of using the "Barfle Duster" to clean the room. Eventually the phrase became "Go clean your room. And the Barfle Duster stays in the closet!".

The answers came flooding in and often left me laughing hysterically. This truly is Playing In The Word-Farm!!

Readers may judge for themselves which entries deserve to wear The Hoffer Hat of Linguistic Awesomeness. I am truly grateful to all who replied - it was a wonderful exercise!

Here, unedited, are the results of my query.

my dad says 'geedunk' which means junk foody snack or anything else that is unhealthy and very delicious. "I'm going to the store, you want a geedunk?" I think it's a term he picked up in the navy, so it might not work.

my husband has his own word for junk foody snack of delicious doom... "I've got the fungries." That means he wants to eat for fun.

Foofoos = (noun) the little ball-like pieces of lint that attach to ones clothing or material and you can't get them off without pulling them off. As in, "Since I've washed my shirt with the towels, now I have foofoos all over my shirt."

Duhn, Duhn is our word for guitar, cause it goes duhn duhn.

When Rob was little, he couldn't say, "Double Decker Bus." He always said, "Buckle Deckle Bus." So did we, from then on. He also said, instead of saying, "That took me by surprise," "That one hit me sideways." So from then on, even a surprise party was a party that "Hit us sideways."

'you big stupe' for doing something stupid. 'jesus mary and joseph' by my very RCC grandmolther when frustrated lol

my sisters and I would challenge each other with “Upper-upper”. This meant a contest to see which hard-boiled egg would crack first when tapped together. You won it if the other’s did.

schalooza - as in, “I’m feeling kind of schalooza” -you want to eat something, but you don’t know what you want to eat.

In our family, if the conversation borders on gossip someone will inevitably stage whisper, "And they say her stomach was biggern' a watermelon!" Everybody cracks up and the topic changes.

Well, hubby calls me "ralph"...from TV commercial about Uncle Ralphie and something about some cereal, I think....

“Going shopping on mom’s dresser” was used by me and my sisters whenever we would sneak into our parents’ bedroom and borrow jewelry to wear on a date.

COITH is a word uttered to compliment or brag. It means freshly bathed or showered, and it translates: Cleanest One In The House.

Cream of Refrigerator Soup - leftovers.

Mustgo Stew. Everything in the fridge must go! Seems this was the meal when ever mom was cleaning the fridge or getting ready for yet another move!

The Odditorium - Our attached mother-in-law apartment.

kabeebahs: any small, usually unidentifiable particles, such as when you clean a wall with a sponge, there will be some kabeebahs left behind.

My wife and I have cats, but got bored discussing plain old “cats”, so we came up with new words: purzles, furzlers, purfurzles, fruzzles, purzelators, or just the stratocatsters.

TWIGA - that which is going around - the pediatrician’s word for whatever virus was making its rounds through the school. Closely related to MOTW - Malaise Of The Week.

Airplane - as in “Don’t bother explaining it; to him, its an airplane” - something that goes right over the other person’s head.

“The ‘O’ in Devon” = a non-existent place from a family vacation of my growing up years when my mother tried to direct us to a town which turned out not to exist because it wasn’t a town but the “o” in the name of a county superimposed on the map.

Peekapocker - helicopter

Parthenon - outhouse at the family weekend place.

My mom is great at coming up with new phrases the family now uses. For example, “shovelling the rug” is vacuuming – same physical action, same clean walking surface, different implement. She also was the first to “rent a chicken,” or buy a cooked rotisserie chicken from the deli. She would also "drown the dishes" after dinner.

Ghost poop - packing peanuts

“they’re in the pasture Hyacinth” – taken from the BBC show "Keeping up Appearances". “Mind the cows Richard!”. “They’re in the pasture Hayacinth” “Yes, but *mind* them!” Usually said in response to a wholly unnecessary warning. (i.e. “Mind the fire, it’s hot” - “They’re in the pasture Hyacinth!”)

in our family, a shirt can be worn ‘tucked in’ or ‘tucked out’.

“The acolyte” — A family pet who has an unreasonably worshipful attitude toward one particular family member.

Going to listen to the mattress - Taking a nap. Also - "kissing the fluffy marshmallow."

Slurg - the name for those ghastly brown chunks of frozen slush that form behind a car’s wheels. From slush + iceberg, which they resemble in shape.

pifflehead: a dope, an idiot, someone who does something dumb.

Pididdle - said when you see a car with one headlight out.

“See you in the soup” – good night

purrcolating – sound a very happy cat makes when purring enthusiastically.

“You’ve got great icing, but you haven’t got a cake!” - My mother, upset that we’d redecorated our room rather than clean it.

lo-lo’s: left-over left-overs in the fridge, or a meal that still isn’t gone after the 3, 4, 5 day. mystery mounds: lo-lo’s assembled for a meal, usually on a fri night.

"Show Murphy the door!" - Usually shouted in exasperation when a simple job turns complicated. (Murphy's Law)

Changing the light bulb- Bathroom light burned out, stood on toilet to change it, toilet rocked, tightened it and bolt stripped out, removed toilet and found flange loose, tried to replace flange and saw that pipe was cracked, needed jack hammer to chip out slab to replace pipe. So now we refer to any project that grows as : Changing the light bulb.

tanjewberrymuch and lubjewberrymush

Kinda silly and plain..but when we're at the motocross races......we sometimes will buy or make a MotoMuffin. Bacon/egg/cheeese on an english muffin.(or sausage)...

Feeding the sewer trout - flushing the toilet.

ditwods - dit wauds drivers in traffic with out driving skills - (something I encounter daily).

Driving the porcelan bus - Vomiting so bad that you sit in front of the toilet and wrap your arms around it to hang on.

birdie bread — stale bread and crusts no one will eat.

Sock Dropper - A particularly violent sneeze.

procrappinating = taking a long time in the bathroom.

“It’s All Full of Dark” = something that’s been left outside overnight.

Gesnicklefritz - gesundheit.

A mopine is a dishtowel. Also, we called an apron a “Guanawatza”.

bug-a-hum: the vacuum cleaner, washashumshum: washing machine, wait-and-see-pudding: the answer to “What’s for dessert?”

“Go get me something to hit you with!” According to family legend my aunt was so mad at one of her kids she screamed that and got even madder when all of the kids collapsed in laughter at her. Now we use it when somebody is being unreasonably lazy or difficult.

“Left-handed smoke shifter” - Whenever the extended family camps out, and the smoke starts blowing in someone’s face, the inevitable question is, “Did anybody remember the left-handed smoke shifter?”.

“Flug”- the lint in the bottom of your pockets. “Gnarble”- the other useless stuff in the bottom of your pockets

My Dad had a phrase that he would use if we said or wrote something was was convoluted. He would say: “Throw me down the stairs a broom.” We quickly understood what he was getting at, and got his message. I’ve enjoyed using the same phrase with my kids for the same reason.

Our children developed “updoors” and “downdoors” as very logical parallels to indoors and outdoors.

We do have a word nabo, which is an alert to the presence of a good looking guy. We still use that word in every day conversations with each other even though we don't hang out and nudge the other and say it anymore. NABO stands for "not a bad one"

My aunt and I say "Coz o you" to each other. It started when I blamed her for something when I was about 10 or so. I dont even know what was "her fault". When she heard the sort of new song "Because of You" it made her think of me. lol

I have a mischievious family (on moms side) They came up with saying "Get a job" whenever they saw someone riding a bike. It morphed into "Get a gog".

My husband and I have a word "rut roh" like what scooby doo says, only it doesn't mean uh oh. It's what we say when we end up getting a parking spot in closest to the building. It means 'front row'.

My husband has always used the word "hutcher" to mean a bad, mean, horrible person. lol

And last, but definitely not least - Of the 74 replies received, 51 of them had some reference to "passing gas"!?!

prump, boof, wilbur, plut, foof, spoofy, queef, phoozer, parp, beef, boompse, knicker ripper, Bronx Cheer, Cockney Cheer, I burped my bottom!, bruff bark, barking spider, ducking gopher, Sparky sputter, Tushie Burp, speefle-tweezer, oofanokie, Stepping on a frog, Shoot a bunny, boup soup, Was that an angel I heard?, talking behind your back, wiffle-wafting, backdoor fog, pocket fog, musky turnip, shooting the pursuit, rumpies, pot-shots, dropping a hint, the missing puzzle piece, crop dusting, cushion creeper, barking backwards, freep, frit, great big flowery woof woof, Sir Launchaloaf, trouser trumpet, tanker, Tommy Squeaker, soup cooler, pyroclastic flow, paint peeler, inflating the air mattress (If done between the sheets), southerly wind, morning thunder, cutting the cheese, stepping on a toad, cutting loose, air bubble, gassers, stinkers, puffers, politics as usual, Global Warming, whisper of death, brocoli's revenge, loose floor boards, another county heard from, secret ballot, buzz-saw backfire, backdoor thaw, air biscuits, elephant fly-by, and low-flying ducks and geese.

And there just had to be the theological reference - Luke 12:55 - "And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, there will be heat; and it cometh to pass".

Does Anyone Edit Anymore?

Just a quick note today.

Last night we were watching "NCIS" on channel 3 (WFSB - Hartford, CT) when a crawl appeared at the bottom of the screen. It was information of the coming switch to a digital signal for all TV's using only antenae for reception. The message informed the reader of possible reception trouble areas in surrounding counties and states. It detailed, among others, Litchfield County, Windham County etc.

What shocked me and got me laughing hysterically was when "Road Island" appeared in the crawl!

Then it dawned on me. This was probably the work of the station's Roads Scholar.

When God Created The Cat

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."


And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."


And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.


And it was a good animal.


And God was pleased.


And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."


And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."


And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.


And they were comforted.


And God was pleased.


And dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."


And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."


And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And cat would not obey them.


And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.


And Adam and Eve learned humility.


And they were greatly improved.


And God was pleased.


And Dog was happy.


And Cat curled up and took a nap.

Sugar Coated crap?

I’m truly sorry for the title, but it says what I think about this succinctly. I tried half a dozen variations and kept coming back to the one word.


There are days when I think I just won’t see anything more stupid in this global warming paranoid world. Then, yesterday brought a new surprise drifting in on the winds of stupidity. Domino now offers Carbon Free Sugar! Let me repeat that. Carbon Free Sugar - certified even.


If you can remember back to your high school chemistry class then you might remember this simple and irrefutable truth: sugar contains carbon.


There is no getting around that. Don’t believe me? Try frying up some sugar in a sauce pan and watch the results. Or just pick up a used mass spectrometer on Ebay and run an analysis.


Or just consult any number of chemical handbooks. Sucrose is common table sugar and has the chemical formula: C12H22O11


Looks like twelve atoms of carbon combined with eleven molecules of H2O to me!! That must be why it is called (drum roll please) a carbohydrate!


Eating and digesting sugar turns it into water and carbon dioxide that we exhale, so for it to be truly “carbon free” as the label says, we have to get those twelve molecules of Carbon out of there. So how do they get the carbon out of that sucrose anyway? It’s really easy, all we need is what is known as a catalyst.


Reacting sucrose with sulfuric acid (H2SO4) dehydrates the sucrose and forms the element carbon, as demonstrated in the following chemical equation:



C12H22O11 + H2SO4 (as catalyst) ---> 12 C + 11 H2O



I apologize if I have the symbols wrong for a chemical reaction but the elements are correct.


So assuming they get the acid out of the mix, we are left with some pure carbon and a bunch of water. Yummm! Perfect for cereal in the morning!


Maybe I’m being a bit extreme and I do realize the idea is to promote a carbon neutral production of sugar.


But really, couldn’t the marketing people at Domino realize how stupid this claim sounds? I’ll bet the guys at the Domino company labs are having a fit. I’d love to get copies of the emails that went flying when they learned of this one. Beakers were probably flying across the lab too. It would have been enough to curl Abby Sciutto's tattoos! Domino will surely be off like a herd of turtles to correct this.


But some companies will do anything to appear green these days, because they want to keep that “green footprint” high and that dreaded "carbon footprint" low or non-existant.


Ah, the sweet smell of success! Pardon me now while I get myself a glass of carbon-free sugar. With ice. (Before that melts in a frenzy of global warming.)

Our Staff

Anyone who writes a blog knows that it is not a one person job. There are many folks who toil behind the scenes to make each entry appear on your screen. Yet, of all the blogs I visit regularly, only a rare few ever credit these hard-working individuals.

Here at The Word Farm we appreciate all of those fine people. Here, then, is a presenatation of our hard-working, long-toiling and sometimes motley crew -

Director of Vengeance - Ewell Rudy Day

Seasonal Adjustment Disorder Specialist - Mahmoud S. Bleak

Icelandic Snowboarding Instructor - Soren Dekeester

Werewolf Studies Specialist - Harriet Knight

Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office - Dasha Chekhov

Airline Seat Tester - Wilma Butfit

Air-Quality Monitor - Carmine Dioxide

Air Traffic Controller - Ulanda U. Lucky

Alignment Inspector - Lou Segusi

Animal Control Officer - Turner Luce

Art Critic - Phyllis Steen

Art Critic II - Dot Snice

Assertiveness Training Coach - Lois Steem

Customer Care Representive - Kurt Reply

Auto Seat Tester - Fitz Matush

Biblical Scholar - Vera Lee Isay

Band Leader - Juan Anatou

British Doorman - Isaiah Olchap

Bunji Jumping Instructor - Hugo Furst

Caffeine Addiction Counselor - Bruno Moore

Ice Rink Manager - Sam Boney

Opera Critic - Barbara Seville

Child Care Provider - A. Hugh Nokitov

Childrens Menu Adviser - Bea Ferroni

Childrens Music Programmer - Al Lowetta

Climate Change Monitor - Jillian Here

Computer Hardware Specialist - C. Colin Backslash

Conservative Political Researcher - Eileen Tudor-Wright

Creative Director - Drew A. Blank

Credit Counselor - Max Stout

Criminal Justice Expert - Lauren Order

Curator of Car Collection - Rex Galore

Daylight Savings Time Manager - Konrad Adenauer

Director of Alpine Choir - O. Leo Lahey

Director of Deep Sea Research - Marianna Trench

Director of Global Warming - Nomar Winter

Director of Luxury Car Horns - Tony Blare

Director of Pavlovian Research - Isabelle Ringing

Director of Photography - Len Scapon

Director of Speed Bumps - SlowMeDown Milosevic

Director of Staff Bonuses - Holly Unlikely

Director of Standard Time - Red Auerbach

Director of Three Stooges Studies - Lee Eyeapoka

Director of Top Secret Strategy - Donatello Nobatti

Document Security Expert - Euripedes Upmann

Dog Trainer - Don Chase Katz

Door-to-Door Sales - Annie Von Holm

Drug Trials Specialist - Placebo Domingo

Emergency Preparedness Director - Ron Lykell

Evasive Driving Instructor - Vera Bruptly

Fact Checker - Ella Fynoe

Food Taster - Howard D. Burgers

French Vacation Specialist - April Lynn Parris

Proctologist - Cameron Diaz

Grammar Consultant - I.M. Shirley Wright

Head of Security - Barb Dwyer

Head of Working Mother Support Group - Erasmus B. Dragon

Insurance Agent - Heidi Ductible

Janis Joplin Biographer - Ian Bobby McGee

Jazz Coordinator - Bertha Deblues

Liaison to the Space Program - Roger Houston

Long-Distance Truck Driver - Etienne Wheeler

Luncheon Chef - Hannah Mia Cannatunna

Manager, Rebate Program - Wendy Pigsfly

Museum Guide - Desdamona Lisa

Official Spokesperson - Howie Vasive

Official Spokesperson - Lou Scannon

Ornithologist in Training - Luke A. Byrd

Philosopher - Wanda Y. Datso

Photographer - F. Stop Fitzgerald

Physics Graduate Student - Laura Vernersha

Proofreader - Erin Spelling

Reincarnation Expert - Diana Komback

Roman History Buff - Vinnie V. Divici

Route Planner - Oliver D. Map

Safari Planner - Sarah Anne Getty

Safety Officer - Fay Tality

Special Liaison to the Energy Commission - Tonya Lightsov

Staff Activities Coordinator - Dewey Hafta

Staff Barber - Buzz Wutsleftov

Staff Barber II - Les Offenbach

Staff Caterer - Edith Ann Weepe

Staff Chaplain - Neil Down

Staff Fact Checker - Neera Nuff

Wardrobe Consultant - Natalie Attired