Collective Nouns

Many of the collective nouns with which we are familiar can be found in the “Book of St. Albans,” published in 1486. This curious volume, often attributed to Juliana Berners, contains treatises on hawking, hunting and heraldry, as well as a host of, now famous, nouns of assemblage, including:

An exultation of larks; a parliament of rooks; a murmuration of starlings; a shrewdness of apes; a gaggle of geese; a turmoil of porpoises; a business of ferrets; a spring of teal; and a pride of lions.

Please send me ypur collective nouns and have a smile or tow at those of others.

To give you a start I offer these few -


A twitter of twits.

A scribble of grafitti artists.

A click of photographers.

An injection of IVF specialists.

A vision of ophthalmologists.


And this one that may best be appreciated by our friends in England -

A copse of Bobbies.

English Errors?

In 1762, Bishop Robert Lowth did a grave disservice to the English language when he published his Short Introduction to English Grammar. Rather than basing his grammatical rules in the usage of the best educated speakers and writers of English, he arbitrarily chose to base them on the Latin grammatical system. The result is that many modern usages in English, particularly an alarming number of rules of normative usage and Standard Written English, are based upon those false origins.



These very rules continue to plague us to this day as they are still used as the foundation of many modern school English curriculum. And so, with this list, I hope to finally put an end to many of these foolish rules. [Did you see what I did?]


Between is for two only

The “tween” portion of “between” is a reference to the number 2, but the Oxford English Dictionary says this: “In all senses, between has, from its earliest appearance, been extended to more than two.” Many pedants try to enforce the use of “among” when speaking of groups larger than two. Even the pickiest speaker does not naturally say, “A treaty has been negotiated among England, France, and Germany.”


Till versus ’til

Because ’til looks like an abbreviation for “until”, some people believe that this word should always be spelled ’til (some don’t object to leaving off the apostrophe). However, “till” has been in regular use in English for over 800 years, longer than ’til. It is completely correct English to say “till”.


Persuade versus convince

Some people have the strange belief that you must “persuade” someone to “convince” them, but you cannot “convince” a person. In fact, persuade is a synonym (means the same thing) for convince – and this usage goes back to the 16th century. It can mean both to attempt to convince, and to succeed in convincing. It is not common anymore to say things like “I am persuaded that you are an idiot” – though this is also correct English.


Healthy versus healthful

While it is admittedly logical and traditional to make the distinction between these two words, but phrases such as “part of a healthy breakfast” have become so common nowadays that they can not be considered wrong (except by pedants). It is also interesting to note that in English, adjectives connected to a sensation in the viewer (such as happy) are often transferred to the object or event they are viewing, for example: “a happy coincidence” or “a gloomy landscape”.


Off of

For most Americans, the natural thing to say is “Climb down off of [pronounced "offa"] that horse, Tex, with your hands in the air”; but many U.K. authorities urge that the “of” should be omitted as redundant. Where British English reigns you may want to omit the “of” as superfluous, but common usage in the U.S. has rendered “off of” so standard as to generally pass unnoticed, though some American authorities also discourage it in formal writing. But if “onto” makes sense, so does “off of.” However, “off of” meaning “from” in phrases like “borrow five dollars off of Clarice” is definitely nonstandard.

It is also quite common in New Zealand to use “off of” as well – presumably as a result of the English being spoken in the Empire at the time of New Zealand’s founding.


None: singular or plural?

Some people insist that since “none” is derived from “no one” it should always be singular: “none of us is having dessert.” However, in standard usage, the word is most often treated as a plural. “None of us are having dessert” is perfectly fine. I spent many days debating this point with a dear friend via email quotations of its use as a plural (my friend believed it to be singular only). Neither of us could convince the other but I firmly stand by my belief that it can be used as both plural and singular.


Who and That

There are actually many instances in which the conservative usage is to refer to a person using “that” rather than “who”: “All the politicians that were at the party later denied even knowing the host”. This phrase is actually more traditional than “politicians who”. It appears that this issue has sprung mostly from the politically correct idea that it is demeaning to refer to a person as “that” rather than “who”. In some sentences it is clearly better to use “that”: “She is the only person I know of that prefers whipped cream on her cereal.” And in the following case, it would be ridiculous to use “that” for “who”: “Who was it that said, ‘A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle’?”


Sentence Starting with a Conjunction

It offends those who wish to confine English usage in a logical straitjacket that writers often begin sentences with “and” or “but.” True, one should be aware that many such sentences would be improved by becoming clauses in compound sentences; but there are many effective and traditional uses for beginning sentences in this way. One example is the reply to a previous assertion in a dialogue: “But, my dear Watson, the criminal obviously wore expensive boots or he would not have taken such pains to scrape them clean.” It would be wise to make it a rule to consider whether your conjunction would sound more natural in the previous sentence or whether it would lose its emphasis by being demoted from its place at the start of a new sentence



Sentence Ending in a Preposition

If you want to keep the crusty old-timers happy, try to avoid ending written sentences (and clauses) with prepositions, such as to, with, from, at, and in. Instead of writing “The topics we want to write on,” where the preposition on ends the clause, consider “The topics on which we want to write.” Prepositions should usually go before (pre-position) the words they modify.

On the other hand, if a sentence is more graceful with a final preposition, leave it that way. For instance, “He gave the public what it longed for” is clear and idiomatic, even though it ends with a preposition; “He gave the public that for which it longed” avoids the problem but doesn’t look like English. A sentence becomes unnecessarily obscure when it is filled with “from whoms” and “with whiches”.

The famous witticism usually attributed to Winston Churchill makes the point well: “This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.”


Split Infinitives

For the hyper-critical, “to boldly go where no man has gone before” should be “to go boldly…” It is good to be aware that inserting one or more words between “to” and a verb is not strictly speaking an error, and is often more expressive and graceful than moving the intervening words elsewhere; but so many people are offended by split infinitives that it is probably better to avoid them except when the alternatives sound strained and awkward.

There are some very obvious times that the split infinitive is far superior:

Murders are expected to more than double next year. (split infinitive)
Murders are expected more than to double next year. (intact infinitive)

However, you could say: “Murders are expected to increase by more than double next year” – but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the split infinitive example above.

Source: Common Errors in English Usage

Getting It Right

Many folks like to quote Shakespeare.


Maybe they should read a bit before speaking?


1. From “The Life and Death of King John”

Misquote: “Gild the lily”
Actual Quote: “To gild refined gold, to paint the lily”.


This is one of those odd misquotes in which the meaning remains essentially the same – though clearly Shakespeare’s actual quote is stronger.


2. From: “Macbeth”

Misquote: “Lead on, Macduff”
Actual Quote: “Lay on, Macduff, and damned be him who first cries ‘Hold! enough!’”


The misquote here suggests that Macbeth wants Macduff to begin moving in to fight. The actual quote is more emphatic and shows us that Macbeth wants Macduff to begin fighting immediately.


3. From: “Macbeth”

Misquote: “Bubble bubble, toil and trouble.”
Actual Quote: “Double, double toil and trouble.”


It should be noted that a film by Disney used the incorrect quote in this sense: “Bubble bubble toil and trouble, leave this island on the double” – it is possible that this is partly the reason for the misconception today. In fact, the witches are asking for “double” the trouble and toil.


4. From: “Hamlet”

Misquote: “Methinks the lady doth protest too much”
Actual Quote: “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”


This is another of the “same meaning” quotes. This is probably one of the most commonly heard misquotes of Shakespeare.


5. From: “Hamlet”

Misquote: “Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him well.”
Actual Quote: “Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio – a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.”


6. From: “Hamlet”

Misquote: “The rest is science”
Actual Quote: “The rest is silence”


7. From: “Romeo and Juliet”

Misquote: “A rose by any other name smells just as sweet.”
Actual Quote: “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.”


8. From: “Richard III”

Misquote: “Now is the winter of our discontent.”
Actual Quote: “Now is the winter of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this sun of York.”


This is less a misquote than a misappropriation; when the second line is excluded from the quote it means “the winter of our discontent is happening now,” but when we add the second line, the true meaning of the quote is “the winter of our discontent has now become a glorious summer” – the opposite of what most people use the quote for.


9. From: “Falstaff”

Misquote: “Discretion is the better part of valour.”
Actual Quote: “The better part of valour is discretion”


10. From: “Hamlet”

Misquote: “To the manor born”
Actual Quote: “but to my mind,—though I am native here and to the manner born,—it is a custom more honour’d in the breach than the observance.” (referring to drunken carousing).

This misquote, whilst sounding the same, has a very different meaning – Hamlet is actually a reference to being excellent – so good that you appear to have been born with the skill.


Bonus.

From: Romeo and Juliet

Quote: “Romeo, Romeo… Wherefore art thou Romeo?”

The problem here is not a misquote (though people do often add a comma directly after “thou”). The problem is that most people think this line means “Romeo, Romeo… Where are you Romeo?” – in fact, “wherefore” in this context means “why”. The correct interpretation is “Romeo, Romeo… Why are you Romeo?” Juliet is asking Romeo why he is a Montague and, therefore, an enemy of her family.

A dear feind sent me this...

Talk about playing in the word farm- hilarious! Remember this from years ago?


It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation......


Read aloud for best results. Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This was nominated for best email of 1999.


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review....


Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What?"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye?"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G: "You're welcome."

The Replies Are In! "Bingo!" said Tom benignly.

“Is it Tom Swiftie or Tom Swifty?” she asked, spellbound.


“I really dislike reading Hugo,” said Les miserably.


"I think its a Great White shark," said Tom superficially.


"The fare may be more than I expected, so I brought some extra cash," said Justin Case.


“That ballpoint pen of yours ceased working,” said Tom ubiquitously.


“Watch out for the crows,” Tom said cautiously.


"Bring down the prisoners," said Tom condescendingly.


"I’m all for exams!” Tom protested.


"Yes, we have no banana cream pie" the baker retorted.


“I don’t know which way to turn”, he said, amazed.


“My bicycle wheel is melting”, Tom spoke softly.


“I’m a Vermont Maid,” she said surreptiously.


“Pastry for dessert - again?” Tom asked tartly.
“Pastry for dessert - again!” Dom retorted.


“It’s between an ace and a three,” Holmes deduced.


“I’ve lost over a hundred head of cattle,” said the rancher mysteriously.


"I lost my little locket and I'm so disheartened!"


“I dreamt they were ‘Riverdancing’ right on top of me,” said Michael flatly.


“I’m trying to stop global warming,” he said allegorically.


“I SEE ONLY AN INK BLOT!” Tom roars, shocking the psychologist.


He could tell the price of the beer by the BAR code.


“Sometimes you just have to count to five…,” said Tom metaphorically.


"I lay carpet" the man explained, his car speeding on, his gas pedal floored.
_____
"I work repairing oven" he said haughtily.
_____
"Guess who's coming to dinner" she said stewing in anger.
_____
I don't want to be a jeweler said the young man, his ruby cheeks aglow.
_____
Teaching judo on the deck of the ship to a young woman, he noticed at a distance a dolphin just as he went to flip-her.
_____
"Look at all those coming for my autograph" she said, fanning herself.
_____
Upon further reflection she said "I really don't like that new mirror."
_____
"I am so sick of this car smoke I could die" he said exhaustively.
_____
"I am working harder than any man here" said Frank in his lazy drawl.
_____
"Someone help me with this nut" he said crazily.
_____
"I think I'll give up this silver mine" he said with abandon.
_____
"Submarines are hard to understand" he said with a sigh, not wishing to go deep.
_____
"I like to walk on the moon" said the man with the crater sized mouth.

Good Ole Tom Swift

A Tom Swifty is a Wellerism in which an adverb relates both properly and punningly to a sentence of reported speech. This is no doubt easier to see from some examples -


“I manufacture table tops,” said Tom counterproductively.
“Who discovered radium?” asked Marie curiously.
“Just parsley, sage and rosemary,” said Tom timelessly.
“This sea-spray will ruin all the metal-work,” said Tom mistrustfully
“I can’t tell you how much it resembles a table,” said Tom veritably.
“Show no mercy killing the vampire,” said Tom painstakingly.
“It keeps my hair in place,” said Alice with abandon.


The quip takes its name from Tom Swift, a boy's adventure hero created by the prolific American writer Edward L. Stratemeyer. Under the pseudonym Victor Appleton, he published a series of books featuring the young Tom Swift. Tom Swift rarely passed a remark without a qualifying adverb as "Tom added eagerly" or "Tom said jokingly". The play on words discussed here arose as a pastiche of this, coming to be known by the term Tom Swifty.



Please feel free to email me your examples. Here are a few of my favorites. (Why do these seem to arrive in my mind at 2am?)



"GM went bankrupt so I bought a Honda." Tom said of his own accord.


"Get to the back of the boat!" Tom said sternly.


"Alright, I'll give you back the pick-up I borrowed", said Tom, truculently.


“ Today is D-Day", said Ike to Norm and Dee.


"I refuse to change the title of my film--it will be called Feline Chainsaw Massacre" Tom said categorically.


"That is an Irish conifer," Tom opined.


"I'll just have to kill the king," Reggie sighed.


And three of my all-time favorites - let the last one roll deliciously through your mind.


"May I have this dance?" Fred asked gingerly.


"I get to read 'Ulysses' again!" Tom rejoiced.


"She's got my photo in her locket," said Tom independently.

Money Well Spent

I am always amazed at the things people study I am more amazed at countries that spend significant sums of money to accomplish these studies.

Case in point - The following is an actual study.


The Study: Do Herring Communicate by Passing Gas Study


Conducted By: Canada and Britain



Two teams carried out this research project. One studied Pacific herring in Bamfield, British Columbia, while the other focused on Atlantic herring in Oban, Scotland. It was discovered that the Atlantic and Pacific herring create a mysterious underwater noise. It turns out that the high-frequency sound was created by releasing air from their butts. The noise was always accompanied by a fine stream of bubbles. Researchers suspect herring hear the bubbles as they’re expelled, helping the fish form protective shoals at night. (Herring hearing must be very sharp!)

Interesting Fact: Researchers named the phenomenon Fast Repetitive Tick, which makes for a rather interesting acronym, FRT. Scientists say unlike the human version, these FRTs are thought to bring the fish closer together.