Tuning In To Sports

I watch a lot of baseball. Some of the funniest words I have ever heard come from the players and announcers of the game. Some just leave me speechless.

Enjoy.

THE WIS-DUMB OF YOGI

Lawrence Peter "Yogi" Berra, the former NY Yankee catcher, is best known for saying things like this:

"Surprise me."
- on where his wife should have him buried.

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

MORE DUMB QUOTES BY YOGI BERRA

"Do you mean now?"
- when asked for the time.

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"I made a wrong mistake."

Jerry Coleman is also a former New York Yankees star and longtime San Diego Padres TV announcer. He's been the voice of the San Diego Padres for almost 30 years. "Oh, Doctor" and "You can hang a star on that baby" are his most famous phrases. But not his most memorable. You see, by comparison, Jerry makes fellow Yankee Yogi Berra seem like a master of the English language! Here are some of Jerry's best calls:

"It's a base hit on the error by Roberts."

"There's a deep fly ball... Winfield goes back, back... his head hits the wall ... it's rolling towards second base."

"Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either."

"They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe."

"Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight."

MORE DUMB QUOTES BY JERRY COLEMAN

"Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican ?"

"Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen."

"And he slides into second with a stand-up double!"

I'll leave you with this pressing question - "Why does everybody stand up and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' when they're already there?"

Excellent Post From The Chicago Tribune

John Kass

June 26, 2011

President Barack Obama made the mother of all verbal gaffes last week as he invoked a fallen hero while talking to troops who had served in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Naturally, his enemies moved to take advantage. But then, if one of Obama's Republican opponents had made such a gaffe, the Obamanites would grab it and twist it until the other guy screamed.

So the cycle began anew on Thursday.

"First time I saw the 10th Mountain Division, you guys were in southern Iraq," Obama said at Ft. Drum, in upstate New York. "When I went back to visit Afghanistan, you guys were the first ones there.

"I had the great honor of seeing some of you because a comrade of yours, Jared Monti, was the first person who I was able to award the Medal of Honor to who actually came back and wasn't receiving it posthumously," the president said.

But Sgt. Jared Monti didn't receive the nation's highest award from the president's hands.

Monti was killed in Afghanistan on June 21, 2006, repeatedly facing enemy fire as he tried to rescue a wounded comrade.

On Sept. 17, 2009, the president handed the Medal of Honor to Monti's parents. Obama apparently confused Monti with Army Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta, who was the first living person to receive the Medal of Honor since the Vietnam War. Giunta was presented the award by Obama in November.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, in a statement acknowledging the presidential mistake, said: "At Ft. Drum, the president misspoke when discussing the first Medal of Honor he presented posthumously to Jared Monti. …"

It was neutrally phrased, but for all the verbiage, there was one thing missing:

An apology.

A simple "I'm sorry" would have been nice. But in politics, an apology is seen as a sign of weakness, which is why the non-apology apology has become a modern art form.

The game is all about being the first to slash. And so Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus made one of the first cuts in an interview with CBS News.

"People make mistakes but ... when he is not scripted, mistakes seem to happen," Priebus said. "I think the president is a scripted, plasticized candidate and I think America is prepared to relieve him of his job in 2012."

Democrats will naturally be outraged, but have they forgotten how they flayed President George Bush for saying "they misunderestimate me," and discussing how people were "working hard to put food on your family"?

Bush served up all sorts of verbal goulash that got him in trouble. But after 9/11, there were new lines in Bush's face. His hair grew gray. He looked exhausted, and the ridicule came in waves.

Now look at Obama. What do you see?

His hair has gone gray. There are deepening lines in his face. He's exhausted. And when he misspeaks, the ridicule comes in waves.

Should politicians get called out for some of the ridiculous things they say?

Absolutely.

Google and the British Library

By Georgina Prodham

LONDON | Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:23pm EDT

(Reuters) - Google plans to digitize a quarter of a million books from the British Library's collections covering a period from the French Revolution to the end of slavery as part of its ambitious books project.

The search engine giant has already scanned 13 million books through partnerships with more than 40 libraries around the world, which it makes available through its search results.

The British Library project involves a selection of books published between 1700 and 1870, including feminist pamphlets about Queen Marie-Antoinette and an account of a stuffed hippopotamus owned by the Prince of Orange.

Google will bear the costs of digitization, and the items will then be available for full-text search, download and reading through Google Books as well as being searchable through the British Library's website and stored in its digital archive.

Google does not make any money from its library partnerships, but says the inclusion of material from books that have never been published online enriches its search results.

"Our aim at Google has always been to give people as much access to the world's information as is possible," Peter Barron, Google's head of external relations, told Reuters on Monday.

In Europe, Google only scans out-of-copyright books but its practice of scanning all books of its U.S. library partners has landed it in trouble with U.S. authors and publishers, who filed a lawsuit against Google in 2005 that is not yet settled.

Google was offering excerpts of books online without the permission of copyright holders, putting the onus on authors and rights holders to claim payments or to voice their objections.

The British Library works with a variety of partners and aims to have much of its collection of 150 million items online and available to the public by 2020.

A previous partnership with Microsoft resulted in the digitization of 65 million 19th century books, some of which are now available through an app for Apple's iPad launched earlier this month.

British Library Chief Executive Lynne Brindley told Reuters: "You can see we're on a long journey. This represents another significant milestone but there are plenty more to go."

My Favorite Short Story Writers

This is just a l;ist of my favorites. Have you any others to add?

10 Chuck Palahniuk

The author of “Fight Club” is not necessarily known as a “Short Story Writer,” however Palahniuk is a believer in the Ray Bradbury ritual of writing a short story every day. Many of his stories have ended up in his novels without the reader realizing they were originally independent tales. In one novel “haunted” he used a short story about a writers convention to bridge together 23 different short stories. This book features his infamous story “Guts” which has caused several people to faint when read aloud at book signings.

9 Washington Irving

Washington Irving was an American author, essayist, biographer and historian of the early 19th century. He was best known for his short stories “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” and “Rip Van Winkle”, both of which appear in his book The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon, Gent. His historical works include biographies of George Washington, Oliver Goldsmith and Muhammad, and several histories of 15th-century Spain dealing with subjects such as Christopher Columbus, the Moors, and the Alhambra.

8 Isaac Asimov

Asimov is certainly one of the most prolific writers in the English language. He is known for many different works from his series “Foundation”, and “Fantastic Voyage”, to text books and everything in-between. He is primarily known as a science fiction writer, however he is one of the few people to have their writing span every major category of the Dewy Decimal System except Philosophy. He wrote an estimated 515 books in his lifetime. As far as writing short stories goes, he has 3 well known stories. “I, Robot”, “The Bicentennial Man”, and “The Last Question.” The first two have been turned into movies. He wrote 19 Short Story collections, spanning a total of 284.

7 Ray Bradbury

Bradbury is a very well known Science Fiction writer. He is famous for writing a short story every day, a ritual that many other writers have attempted to follow. He has written 11 novels, 3 of which are made up of loosely connected stories, and over 40 short story collections, for a grand total of over 400 short stories and novellas. But it’s not just quantity that earns him a place on this list. His best known short story “A Sound of Thunder”, is the origin of a common science fiction theme called “the butterfly effect”, it is also the most republished science fiction story of all time.

6 Stephen King

King is one of the most popular authors in America, and a very prolific writer as well. He is a huge fan of the short story. “1408″, “The Mist”, and “Hearts in Atlantis” are just a few of the 35 short stories he wrote that have been made into movies, though perhaps the most famous is “Stand By Me”. He has written 8 story collections and a total of 124 short stories and 17 Novellas in his career. He was also selected to be the editor of The Best American Short Stories of 2007, and also won the O. Henry Award in 1996.




5 J.D. Salinger

Salinger is known for his novel “Catcher in the Rye”, this is actually his only published novel. A very eccentric writer, he has written a great deal of material in his life, but much of it has never been seen by any one but him. He has 3 other books available to the public. “Nine Stories”, “Frannie and Zoey”, and “Raise High the Roof Beams, Carpenters and Seymour an Introduction”. All 3 of these books are short story collections. He also has about 2 dozen other uncollected short stories. Salinger is considered by many to be the greatest American writer of the 20th century.

4 O. Henry

Real name William Sydney Porter. O. Henry is known for writing flash fiction with wit and a strange twist ending. His most well known story is “The Gift of the Magi” which is a story about a young poor couple who each sells their most precious object in order to buy a Christmas gift for their partner, but in doing so they end up making each others gift worthless. This story has been retold in many different forms over the years. The O. Henry Award was established in his honor, it is a very prestigious award given to outstanding short story writers. Two writers on this list have won this award.

3 John Updike

Updike was an extremely gifted short story writer, he published over 150 short stories in his career, his last collection “Tears of my Father” was published in June 2009, about 6 months after his death. He has also won over 30 different awards in his lifetime including: the Pulitzer, the Rea Award, the PEN/Falkner award, and the aforementioned O. Henry Award to name a few.

2 F. Scott Fitzgerald

F. Scott Fitzgerald was an American writer of novels and short stories, whose works are evocative of the Jazz Age, a term he coined himself. He is widely regarded as one of the twentieth century’s greatest writers. Fitzgerald is considered a member of the “Lost Generation” of the Twenties. He finished four novels, including The Great Gatsby, with another published posthumously, and wrote dozens of short stories that treat themes of youth and promise along with despair and age. If you want a recommendation for his greatest two short stories, I suggest reading “Bernice Bobs Her Hair” and “The Diamond As Big As The Ritz”. You won’t be disappointed.

1 Edgar Allen Poe

Poe is probably the most famous English short story writer of all time. Poe only wrote one complete novel in his lifetime, and it is not very well known, however his short stories are. Most people can tell you the story of “The Tell Tale Heart”, “The Masque of the Red Death,” or “The Pit and the Pendulum”. Poe has over 65 short stories to his name. Poe is also considered to have invented the detective genre.

Did You Know Poe Had A Cat - and He Wrote Too!

We all know what Edgar Allen Poe thought of the Raven.....but what really happened that midnight eerie? Only his cat knew the truth...


On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"

Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -
"Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.

Postponed Last Week - Here today

I watched TV for a spell a week ago Thursday. ESPN. No, not my usual fare of baseball. The Scripp's National Spelling Bee. Amazing!


Congratulatiions to all he kids who participated. Talk about playing in The Word Farm!! Wow!!


Associated Press

OXON HILL, Md.—It went on and on and on. Five spellers who seemingly had memorized the entire dictionary simply could not be stumped with any word tossed their way. It was getting late, way past bedtime and well beyond the time slot allotted by ESPN for its telecast.

Finally, after 21 consecutive spellings without a miss, one of them finally flubbed a word. Eventually, the others were gone—having heard the telltale bell of elimination—except for 14-year-old Indian-American eighth grader Sukanya Roy of South Abington Township, Pa., who took home the trophy and the more than $40,000 in cash and prizes at the 84th Scripps National Spelling Bee.

Sukanya's winning word was "cymotrichous," which relates to wavy hair. She likes hiking, rock climbing and ice skating, wants to travel and perhaps pursue a career in international relations. She is the fourth consecutive Indian-American to win the bee and the ninth in the last 13 years, a run that began when Nupur Lala captured the crown in 1999 and was later featured in the documentary "Spellbound."

A three-time competitor at the bee, Sukanya tied for 12th in 2009 and 20th in 2010.

"I went through the dictionary once or twice," she said, "and I guess some of the words really stuck."

Laura Newcombe, 12, of Toronto was the runner-up. She was trying to become the first Canadian to win the bee, but she went out on the word "sorites," her look of concentration turning suddenly to a sad one when she realized she'd misspelled it. Canadians have been a strong presence at the competition for many years and have had several close calls, with Nate Gartke of Alberta also finishing second in 2007.

Thirteen spellers made the finals, an ever-growing chic-to-be-geek event that was broadcast in prime time for the sixth consecutive year. It was held at the National Harbor complex along the Potomac River, south of Washington.

Only one speller misfired in his first attempt: Samuel Estep of Berryville, Va,, who couldn't handle "bondieuserie" and made the slow walk across the stage to receive a hug from his father.

The rounds kept getting tougher. Sriram Hathwar of Painted Post, N.Y., warmed everyone's hearts by greeting the audience with a "good evening" every time he stepped to the microphone, but he was ousted by the word "polatouche." Another Canadian, Veronica Penny, couldn't handle "rougeot" and made a ballerina-type wave as she walked away.

But then it came down to a final five that wouldn't give up. Sukanya, Laura, Dakota Jones of Las Vegas, Arvind Mahankali of New York and Joanna Ye of Carlisle, Pa., combined to spell everything from "abhinaya" to "capoeira" to "cheongsam" to "opodeldoc" through Rounds 11, 12, 13, 14 and into 15.

When Dakota finally misspelled "zanja" to break the string, he received a standing ovation. The remaining spellers got eight in a row before Arvind missed on "Jugendstil," which he initially and hilariously pronounced "You could steal." He also got a standing ovation and gave the crowd a salute. Everyone stood again for Joanna when she missed "galoubet."

The only two left were Sukanya and Laura. "Tired yet?" Laura asked the judges at one point.

But Sukanya couldn't be beat. She said she knew every word that was given to her, never having to guess—the result of her months of going through the dictionary twice from start to finish.

The bee continued to exhibit a sense of humor in the sentences used by pronouncer Jacques Bailly. He used a "set of prison bars for the name Bernie Madoff" in his example for "brachygraphy" in the semifinals and later made a reference to the "The Jeffersons," a sitcom that went off the air some 10 years before the oldest of the spellers was born. In the finals there was the ice-breaker: "The spellers' exsufflation at spelling the word correctly blew people's hair back in the front row."

The week began with 275 spellers. A written test Tuesday and two oral rounds Wednesday reduced the field for the semifinals.

The Best Entry Ever

In my last post I mentioned the demise of Schott's Vocab. Today I would like to offer possibly the best entry to a Weekend Competition. The topic, as my often-faulty memory says, had to do with pins.

Enjoy!

This has to be one of the best weekend competition entries I have ever read!




The following was a joint spontaneous effort among friends about a year ago, which I revised somewhat for this competition:

PHIL’S INTRODUCTION:

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a second.”

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. He notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The next night, E-flat waltzes in accompanied by a very drunken C. The bartender says, “E-flat and C again! This could be a major development.”

Someone called the police and a capella soon arrived, who put C under a rest. He was acoustic of public drunkenness and marched off to jail. He objected loudly, alto no avail.

C was brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, for de cadence, for breaking the Penal Coda by having an unprotected sax. And otherwise fluting the law. He was sentenced to 10 years at an upscale aria facility

On a peal, however, C was found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that the charges were bassless.

MIKE CHIMED IN WITH, “HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED TO E-FLAT…”

E-flat, not easily deflatted, came back to the bar the next night clad only in a three-piece suite, which he removed, and stood there au natural, with exposed octaves partially hidden by a small fan dangle, apparently pedaling himself

A drunk who ate at the bar, Bached away and said, “Don’t that beat all!” and yelled for the boss Tony Pops, who called the voice squad.

The squad lieder said, “Gavotte do we have here?” They saw what was going on, saw E flat was carrying a piece, and said, “OK, E-flat, you know the quadrille. The jig is up!”

Pops wanted to refrain from prestoing charges because E-flat was not a violin offender, but the cops medley persisted, saying “Euphonium, we a rest ‘em.”

E-flat said, “Wait a minuet – reed my lips – these charges are falsetto!” The cops said, “Etude, you are slurring your phrases, off you go!”

The cops treated him like a piano kidding. They tried to march him off to jail in double time, but his movements were slow. His feet were retardando by tightly noted chords, and he could only take half-steps down the rocky clef to the jail, whose inmates were making noises lie kazoo.

Things progressioned from ballad to verse. Before they even made a notation in the station house register, the cops beat him with his own staff. He called his very obase fife Ella G, but the cops told her to make herself scherzo.

Ella G called a defense lyre, Lyn D. Hop, who knew E’s lady judge. Lyn thought he could get E out of jail, saying, despite being under a gigue order, “I wood baton it as long as E-flat can common time to see the judge and meter in her chamber.”

In jail, E-flat complained that all he had to eat was tune a fish, octet-opus, scale yunz and apple encores thrown in for good measure, with no soprano to wash his smelodious hands.

But his big-bassooned fife Ella G brought him a quartet of high screams for dessert, so he composed himself and changed his tune.

Lynn conducted E-flat’s defense by trumpeting his innocence in a longa breve to the court, saying “This is no hum drum case!”

He insisted on an impromptu trial, and arranged a bridge loan for E-flat’s bail, since he was going baroque.

A relative pitched for his release. And E-flat’s mother, Ma Zurka, even paid the lyre’s daily podium fees.

At E-flat’s trio, his lyre proved that there was no motif, and that the charges were prelude icrus. This tuned out to B a key theme , and his tone proved instrumental in the resulting verdict.

Dorian the trial the judge sostenutoed almost all defense objections, which gave E-flat quite a trill.

After a chorus of blues from E-flat’s supporters turned into a crescendo, the judged bowed to the mob, recapitulated to the inevitable, said “I am obbligato to release him!,” declaring the trial mute.

The prosecution failed to overture this release on a peal. All in all, a suite victory – avoiding being sentenced to an insti-tutti.

Everyone now agrees that E flat’s a rest had been a grave mistake, was glad that the judge set hymn loose, and that all his legato problems were finé.

The bar owner gave everyone a free round, ordered pizza gatos, played his treasured frank sonata records, and said we should all “just fuguettaboudit and all live in Harmonium”.

OTIS HORNED IN WITH:

It’s very encouraging that after such a wide interval, E-flat’s case was resolved.

It was rumored that E’s fat fife was getting tired of being retenuto, from singing; when the good news reached her, she took an Allegro to clear her sinuses and began crowing loudly, which got her into treble with her neighbors.

You pickup the story from hear.

JOHN FINALIZED WITH:

I have no symphony for those who are bass enough to crescendo this chorus by mail to other musicians; it’s cymballic of the times that we now orchestrate even puns!

A Sad Note

In place of the post I was planning to post tomorrow on the National Spelling Bee, I bring you some very sad news...

Thursday morning I made my usual rounds of the internet and was stunned when I came to my favorite word-related site. Schott's Vocab. I was dumbfounded to read the following...

"After two and a half years, thousands of posts and tens of thousands of comments, Schott’s Vocab is closing its doors.

"It has been an absolute pleasure to trawl the seas of linguistic development – netting the flotsam, jetsam and ligan of neologism, and presenting the choicest specimens for display and comment...

"But this blog would not have been an inch as much fun without the comments and quips of a legion of co-vocabularists who, not least at the weekends, raised eyebrows and smiles in equal measure."

The weekends were such a joy as Ben would offer up a competition on a wide variety of topics meant to stimulate thought and wit. The subjects included such wonderful topics as Greeting Card Slogans, Conversation Stoppers, Prayers, New Bond Film Titles, Linguistic Resolutions, Ways to Leave Your Lover, Define Friendship, Graffiti, Define Family, Crossword Clues, Fool's Errands, Define Education, Unlikely Excuses, Euphemisms for Death, Malapropisms, Pun(ishment), Euphemisms for Stupidity, Thingummyjigs, Imaginary Libraries, Tom Swifties and Favorite. Word. Ever.

The comments, indeed in large numbers, were thought-provoking, witty, down-right hilarious and time well spent.

I sincerely hope the NYT will archive all of those competitions. It would be sad to lose all of that genius.

I am deeply saddened to see this all come to an end. It has Ben great - you took your best Schott and hit a bulls-eye that many could not even see.

Sorry...Just A Short Post Today

Have a smile or two...

AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN thought the bride as she entered the church.

Worry causes falling hair. Thus, when the going gets tough, the tufts get going.