Sunday, October 25, 2009

How Punny Are You?

It happens to all of us. You are sitting with a group of friends and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed by the urge to tell a long somewhat improbable story that ends with a pun. Loud groans are made and you are pelted with pillows, cushions, paper, garbage and anything else that comes to hand. Why does this happen, and why do certain people seem to be more likely to be
stricken with this dread disease.

Dubbed SPS (Shaggy Pun Syndrome) by prominent psychologists, this illness has baffled scientists. What causes it; love of groaning sounds, subconscious desires to be hit with loose objects in the room, or some deeper cause such as becoming fixated at the silly phase. Whatever the cause, SPS can become a serious mental illness, and if unchecked in its early phases, can result in minor injury (from beatings), major injury (from worse beatings), and even death (from still worse beatings).

Don't despair, treatment is becoming available, ranging from oral counseling, to gags, to tongue removal. As an early warning device the SPT (Shaggy Pun Test) has been developed, based on the idea that retention of puns can lead to SPS the SPT is a collection of "punch lines" from said stories, recognition of over a critical number can indicate serious potential for SPS. If caught early enough it is hoped that the puns maybe removed by surgical means.

To take the SPT merely make an x beside each punch line that you either remember or that you can easily build a story to fit. Remember a score of 100% is not necessarily desirable.

__1. The squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
other two squires.
__2. Two obese Patties / special Ross / Lester Cheese picking
bunions / on a Sesame Street bus!
__3. MORAL: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow
__4. MORAL: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow
__5. MORAL: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
__6. Gladly, my cross-eyed bear.
__7. Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis
__8. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.
__9. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer.
_10. I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco.
_11. MORAL: A niche in time saves Stein.
_12. There must be fifty ways to love your lever.
_13. Well, there's something about an aqua volvo, man...
_14. MORAL: A washed pot never oils.
_15. Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
[Other version of the punch line: Carrying gulls across a
staid lion for immortal porpoises.]
_16. It's a long way to tip a Raree.
_17. Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear.
_18. For making an obscene clone fall.
_19. Doctor, the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on!
_20. Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?
_21. ... They had left no tern unstoned.
_22. ... Abscess make the fart go HONDA!
_23. Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!
_24. These are the 'times' that dry men's soles. [Alternate:
These are the soles that time men's tries]
_25. And he served the first chicken catch a Tory dinner.
_26. The next day, the headline in the paper read "Peter Viper
wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers".
_27. Ike's Aunt gets nose hat is fact, son
_28. Dee, who flaps last, flaps left
_29. That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.
_30. The first time a reign was called on account of the game.
_31. Opporknockity tunes but once. [Alternate: O'Pernokkety tunes
but once.]
_32. Because Herman the German was used to hard ships.
_33. Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!
_34. No, I'm a frayed knot.
_35. You fools! We have ways to make you tock!
_36. Which just goes to show that, a Benny shaved is a Benny
_37. Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?
_38. We have come to seize your berries, not to appraise them.
_39. When you're out of slits, you're out of pier!
_40. We can't have archaic and edict, too.
_41. Contributing to the delinquency of a miner!
_42. I'm booking over that 4 clove leaver, though I've overcooked
_43. Knick Knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan.
_44. Another case where the spirit was willing but the flush was
_45. Time's fun when your having flies.
_46. A fiery "stead with the spite of Leed, A clout of dust And a
hearty "Buy old Silver!"
_47. It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant
_48. All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum
tea to feather a hen.
_49. I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.
_50. ... Stilling two birds with one's cone.
_51. General Minh prefer bronze.
_52. With fronds like these, who needs anemones?
_53. Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!
_54. Better Nate than Lever.
_55. The hills are alive with the hounds of Munich.
_56. He who has a Tate's is lost.
_57. Artie chokes 3 for a dollar at local market.
_58. MORAL: A stolen roan gathers no moose.
_59. ... but actually mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.
_60. ... but of course, the Czech is always in the male.
_61. The star mangled spanner.
_62. See! Even adders can multiply on a log table.
_63. MORAL: You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

0 - 10 No danger (healthy)
11 - 25 Minor SPS (Recommend therapy)
26 - 40 Moderate SPS (Recommend gag)
41 - 52 Punster -- major SPS (Recommend tongue removal)
53 - 63 Paronomisiac -- extreme SPS (Recommend lobotomy)

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